Παρασκευή, 23 Μαΐου 2014
I'm.... hanging on in there.
I had some bad days lately, but I'm a lot calmer today. I think I used up all my feelings for this week -if there can be such a thing, running out of feelings for a week, like there's some kind of limit? I don't know, it just feels that way. I guess I'm just tired.
I'm under a lot of stress, I'm borderlining panic actually. I couldn't sleep, my heart was racing and there was an unending sensation that I couldn't breathe.
This stress- shit can kill you, now I understand.
So there I am, all messed up and panicking, so I go to church and light a candle asking for guidance, strength and help. And as I'm leaving, I can't stop thinking about a particular person, how much I'd like to speak to that person because they always make me feel better and understand me. And I'm thinking about this person as I'm backing out of the parking lot and trying to get into the road and guess what; I see that particular person driving by. I swear, I was like 'Damn, You heard me!'.
Και μιλάμε στο τηλέφωνο and all this stress and relief is rushing out of me, right through my eyes, I'm pouring my heart out and it feels better after a while. Πιο ξαλαφρωμένη. Τίποτα δεν άλλαξε, αλλά τουλάχιστον ένιωσα μια μικρή ανακούφιση.
So today I'm calmer. Touch wood, I hope I keep it up. *sigh*
I'm hanging on in there.
That's all I can do right now.
Δευτέρα, 12 Μαΐου 2014
Πέμπτη, 1 Μαΐου 2014
Let me clarify something: I'm speaking from an emotional perspective. The chemicals in my brain are obviously totally out of proportion and balance, thus η έντονη κυκλοθυμία. In a way, yes I am depressed. I'm not going to go into the reasons why; I'm just stating the facts and I'm trying to figure it out. I completely understand that I have a lot of good things going for me, but if you have never been through depression -not melancholy, depression- you cannot understand how it feels like. You just need time.
Some days, it's hard to get out of bed. All you can do is sleep because you feel so worthless and pointless. Other times, you stay awake for days, barely sleep and your mind is working on overdrive. And you can't stop it.
Βάζω μικρούς στόχους καθημερινά. Μικρούς όμως. Τους οποίους με πιέζω να εκπληρώσω just to keep me going. Περιττό να σου πω ότι I can't possibly make big, long term plans right now because I don't know how I'm gonna feel then. Το μέλλον με αγχώνει, εμένα που I was always looking into the long-term of things and planning ahead. Now I can barely make plans for Saturday night κι ας είναι μεθαύριο. All I have is right now. All I know is right now.
Όταν τακτοποίησα τις βιβλιοθήκες μου, βρήκα το θάρρος ή απλώς την επιθυμία να παλέψω. The wheels have started to turn on a few things. Αν μη τι άλλο, έβαλα 2 νέους -μεγάλους- στόχους και άρχισα να δουλεύω σε αυτήν την κατεύθυνση. It keeps my head busy. Αλλά ναι, sometimes I just feel like chucking it all because I feel so tired. Αλλά I won't do that. I can't. Sometimes I zone out. It gets the better of me. So I take my time and then I'm up again. Until next time.
I had a good day on Sunday. And it went to shit on Monday. So yeah, I'm going through some crappy days now. Αλλά φρίκαρα με κάτι τις προάλλες, τόσο που δεν έχω συνέλθει ακόμα. I believe, ok? Ειδικά σε αυτήν την φάση που περνάω, I found that having faith in God, has kept me sane in a way. So, άναψα ένα κεράκι and I told Him, I'm scrapping the bottom of the barrel here, and then I asked, please give me a sign.
Και είδα άγγελο στον ύπνο μου. I was sitting on the floor, in this darkish room with many many portraits on the wall, my head hanging heavily, my hair in my face, and he was lying there, his head on my lap, I was holding his head, caressing it, my fingers through his hair, touching his cheek, and this angel is behind me, a huge angel with white feather wings is standing behind me. And it speaks to me. And I answer with a question, such a silly question. And I woke up with a start in the middle of the night.
I believe it was a sign.
But damn did it mess me up.