Τετάρτη, 30 Δεκεμβρίου 2015
At least compared to where I came from last year.
Isn't it funny, how we tend to wipe off the ugly parts of a year nearing its end, and focusing on the good? Maybe it's a self preservation mechanism, maybe we wanna exorcise the bad and negative and not drag any drama into the new year territory and jinx it.
Not in the beginning at least.
I guess we all need a clean slate every once in a while. Give ourselves a pat on the back and say -hey, even believe it really- "it's gonna be alright".
I started 2015 with the best possible circumstances. It felt as if everything was falling into place. But then, it went really bad.
No, I mean, really bad.
But even during that bad time, I can't ignore that I was thrown a bone. Blessings as I tend to call them and they came at the right moment and maybe even saved my sanity then cause I was really on the end of my rope.
So as 2015 is ending I know I have to close the door on things and people once and for all and from its ruins, begin building something else. Hopefully much better and stronger.
2015 took you away from me so violently that the thought of it still makes my blood run cold. But I no longer have the need to understand the whys and the hows; I have been learning to accept things and move on.
2015 also pushed me to my professional limits, and in a way I got to another level. God knows how frightened and unsure I was, but somehow I managed to pull it off. I did it. On my own. So yeah, maybe I am worthy afterall. I couldn't believe it if I hadn't gone through it.
2015 also taught me how to be me; I did not run for role-model-of-the-year so I do not care if people disagree with me and feel let down by me. I can no longer keep a straight face or my opinion to myself when I'm dealing with stupidity, audacity, unfairness or any sort of personal attack. I've realized what a huge matter is respect to me, and it all stems -and in some cases, ends- there.
So as I'm sitting here barefoot with an unlit cigarette hanging from my lips, I am looking forward to 2016 and all it will bring. I'm excited at its prospects, keeping my fingers crossed that the universe won't fuck itself sideways and plunge me into the abyss of self loathing and disappointment again, but at the same time, as I'm writing this, I am hopeful that, even if it does fuck its self sideways, that I'll be better equipped to deal with it in a manner that my 2017 self will be proud of me. All because I now come from a different place.
Happy new year and I wish you all love and light xx
Δευτέρα, 7 Δεκεμβρίου 2015
Ναι. Προσπαθώ να το κόψω.
Μεγάλη πίκρα. Δυσκολάκι. Αλλά μου βγήκε ένα πρωινό, ότι δε θέλω πια να καπνίζω τσιγάρα. Να είναι η ζωή μου συνώνυμο με αυτό.
Μεγάλη όμως η δοκιμασία.
Κάτι έχω πάθει τελευταία, το έχεις προσέξει δεν είναι?
Λίγες μέρες πριν τις γιορτές. Οι οποίες δεν θα είναι όπως τις άλλες. Θα είναι διαφορετικές αυτές, δε γίνεται αλλιώς και δεν είναι στο χέρι μου.
Κοίτα να δεις, που πριν φύγει το 2015 θα μου αλλάξει τα φώτα.
Δεν το λέω παραπονιάρικα.
Έπαιξε πολύ ωρίμανση φέτος.
Ακάλεστη. Αλλά καλοδεχούμενη.
Καπνίζω αυτή τη μαλακία, το ηλεκτρονικό, που έχει καλύτερη γεύση και δε βρωμάει, αλλά γαμώτο, καμιά φορά το πεθυμώ τόσο πολύ.
Κυρίως αυτό το feeling, αυτό το pleasure που μου πρόσφερε.
Γιατί τελευταία, ούτε αυτό δεν το πετύχαινε.
Τι λέω τόσο καιρό? Για πράγματα, feelings και καταστάσεις που δεν είναι πια τα ίδια και δεν σου προσφέρουν πια την ίδια απόλαυση?
Ναι, αυτό είναι. Αυτή είναι η λέξη: απόλαυση.
Τι απολαμβάνεις? Τι χαίρεσαι? Και τι σου δίνει πια τόση μεγάλη χαρά?
Έχεις απαντήσεις σε αυτά?
Ή ακόμα καλύτερα, τα έχεις αυτά?
Και κυρίως, κοιμάσαι ήσυχα τα βράδια?
Επιχειρώ να δίνω καταφατικές απαντήσεις σε όλα αυτά τα ερωτήματα. Προσπαθώ να βρώ το δρόμο μου. Τη χαρά μου. Τρόπους να διατηρώ την ηρεμία μου και να βελτιώσω τη ποιότητα της ζωής μου.
The race is long.
Αλλά δε φοβάμαι.
Καλή βδομάδα σας εύχομαι. Και να είστε καλά όπου κι αν σας πετυχαίνω.
Κυριακή, 29 Νοεμβρίου 2015
...changing that by starting with myself. Working on myself. Digging deep and cutting it all out.
...getting better. Although it feels like getting worse at first, eventually it starts to make sense.
...learning my self. What has the past taught me, carved me into? And how have I progressed into someone better?
...realizing what I want. It usually starts with what you don't want and in a delicate dance of elimination, you take it from there.
...working towards my goals. Slowly, but with loyalty and dedication. No bullshitting. No negative thoughts. My eye is on the prize.
...stronger. Happier. Calmer. Confident.
...so over this shit it would blow your mind. And although I'm still a work in progress, I am, in a way...
Πέμπτη, 26 Νοεμβρίου 2015
Κυριακή, 15 Νοεμβρίου 2015
I had reached a point where my sadness, bitterness, anger, got the best of me. So much, that I almost identified with that and it was rotting me inside out.
I really can't put my finger on the exact moment or cause, but I just told myself I had to snap out of it.
Going home, helped. A lot.
But after I returned I had to keep it up. Life coaching, confession, therapy, aura cleansing, you name it, I've done it.
And I've managed to reach that magical inner peace you find in "here and now".
It's almost as if I reset myself to my default settings. I've made a cautious decision to let go of all the negative feelings and emotions people and situations have caused me. And in the cases I could not let go of that negativity, I actively turned that into something positive.
I almost feel naive.
But it's alright.
This pained ego, this need to constantly be right and paid back when wronged, has proved too much of a burden to keep holding onto and carrying around with me.
I let go.
I love you but your burdens are your burdens and I hope you find the light and strength within you to carry them but I simply cannot do that for you anymore.
It pained me what you did, how you did not treat me nicely but I forgive you with all my heart and wish you well.
I no longer want to be bitter so please stop trying to feed off me. I can no longer tolerate parasitic relationships and situations in my life.
What has happened, has happened and is gone and done. And the hardest part was forgiving myself for it. But it's done. So peace has to be made.
As for the future? I don't know. I'm not exactly positive or optimistic about it. I'm not quite sure I contemplate it really.
I'm just here. Now.
Like, right now.
And I'm alright.
Σάββατο, 31 Οκτωβρίου 2015
It's not about trick or treating. It's not about dressing up.
It's about remembering.
Those who came before us and are now gone.
What passed and is now gone.
When I get a new book in my hands, I break its back. Open it wide and then inspect the crack in its spine.
I'll flip the pages and bury my face in them, breathing in the scent of ink and recycled paper.
I sometimes even fold the corner of a page.
I don't mind if I scratch my furniture and it's alright if they get dusty from time to time.
I wear expensive shoes when I drive my car and it doesn't matter if the heels get some scuffs.
It's okay if my necklace is missing a bead or two or if my tights have a tear.
Things are made to be used.
People are made to be loved.
Δευτέρα, 26 Οκτωβρίου 2015
Maybe even undone.
You reach a point, a day, a night.
Your love, your longing, your essence is greater than the shit, the anger, the I'm-not-sure-it-even-matters-anymore.
My white flag was up and flying in the air.
Yours was up for a while now but my anger, my ego, my pain would not let me surrender.
I. Can't. Help. Myself.
So we happen to see each other.
Out of the blue.
God you're a sight for sore eyes.
And my heart's not pounding, not throbbing against my chest but fluttering with joy and pride. Cause there you are and fuck you, you little piece of shit, I still love you.
And then you see me and you break into one of those smiles, my smiles, the inner smiles, I know, I saw your eyes, smiling along with your mouth.
And it's like it never happened.
We smile to each other so genuinely as if nothing ever came between us.
That moment how you put your arms around me again.
And I effortlessly let you.
Who cares who and how many were there.
We were there and it was enough.
When we meshed into each other, lingering in each others existence, as if time had stopped and everything around us had slowed down.
After so long.
We still owe each other a dance.
Τετάρτη, 21 Οκτωβρίου 2015
I got my bag and my pretty shoes and drove to the movies, got myself a ticket and sat there.
There is no such mental freedom as sitting alone in a dark room and being content. For a while.
Haven't done that in years.
There is no thinking in a dark room, while another story is unfolding in front of you. You disconnect from the world, your world, yourself. I needed that. I need that.
I have become that.
I lost my little girl yesterday. And it broke my heart in such a profound way. I'm already a little sensitive to loss and I really didn't need that.
I had her as a kitten and it broke my heart. What's left of it really.
Because I got her after you were gone, she was my companion, my fuzzball, my little four legged love and now you're gone; you have been gone for a while actually, and now she's gone too and I don't understand. Cause it feels really messed up.
And then, in the middle of the night, you drive up to a place that feels remotely familiar and you sit on the side of the street and just fucking pour your heart out, can't breathe through the sobs and noone knows you're there, just a shadow in the dark crying out all the pain that I thought was long gone and lost.
And yet still there.
Still sharp as a knife and cold as ice.
And now I'm angry and sad and bitter.
And if I had enough money I'd probably stage my death and disappear.
I'm that tired.
Παρασκευή, 16 Οκτωβρίου 2015
The abrupt waking in the middle of the night and staring at the ceiling while desperately wanting a cigarette.
But too messed up to even get up.
Waking up in the middle of the night from such an intense fucked up dream and you lay in bed staring at the ceiling thinking about ... nothing really.
So I'm supposedly on a roof, and I wanna sit on the edge.
But I slip.
I see the street bellow, cars and people are coming and going, and I slip and can't even grab onto anything.
So, I'm falling.
And I realize that I'm falling to my death, that, this is it Tinks, damn such a fucked up way to go, didn't even plan it to be this way, such a shame.
And as I'm falling, I am completely calm. No panic, no fear, nothing. Content that I'm gonna die, even though in such a pathetic way, by slipping from a roof of an apartment building, I mean how pathetic man, but it's happening and I'll be a distant memory pretty soon and there's no stopping it. I'm already falling.
People from the street below have noticed me; I can hear their shrieks and cries of concern and shock, but I'm completely calm. Calm down guys, nothing to do now, it was an accident, just look away, it'll probably get messy.
And all of a sudden, as I am -peculiarly- gracefully falling to my death, there's someone there falling with me. A guy. Holding my hand. But he's afraid. I hear him mumbling, oh boy, oh God, no, and I feel his grip tightening on my hand.
Peculiarly, it calms me further.
By now, the ground is so close, I know it's coming, I just hope it doesn't hurt and just knocks me out instantly, and yet I reach the ground standing up.
I literally, fall to my death, standing on my two feet.
But wait, I didn't die?
I'm literally standing on my two feet -can't remember if I'm in heels- after falling from that high up, and people are looking at me amazed and shocked.
I feel no pain, nothing in particular.
And I'm alive.
And I just... walk away.
And I wake up startled and lay in bed, my body in pain and my mind a complete blank.
I saw you that night.
And it fucked me up. More than I like to admit and I hate myself for it.
Κυριακή, 4 Οκτωβρίου 2015
He fixes his gaze on my face; he looks at me with those piercing blue eyes, straight in the eye, while his back stiffens and his neck kinda tightens up.
I understand he is serious.
He actually earns a little more of my respect.
I lean forward. I'm not intimidated by his cool exterior. Ι return the penetrating gaze.
"You have no idea what you're getting into", I say.
He sits back in his chair, slightly tilts his head and gives me a side look, grinning, as if he's sizing me up.
"There's just something about you kid" he says.
You might be the iceberg blue eyes, but you have no idea how deep I run, I think to myself as I bite into my drinks ice cube.
Δευτέρα, 28 Σεπτεμβρίου 2015
What has it been?
This past couple of months.?
In a word?
It really helped me, you know, going home, leaving here, and everyone that here consists of.
I found me, my heart, my soul, my fucking breath there; home, my place, where the soil smells familiar and social decency and manners come with the territory.
It's like I picked up myself and put me back together. As if my spirit was left there; sitting on the sidewalk and I had to go and get me back.
I came back a different person.
Or rather, the person I used to be.
I decided I'm gonna make that childhood dream of mine come true. I don't know how; I just know I'm gonna do it. I have to do it. The only reason I haven't done it so far is because somewhere along the line, I stopped believing that I was capable enough.
But something happened; something clicked, maybe I just lost my mind and I decided I'm insane enough now to just go out there and do it.
I've thought and worked a lot on forgiveness. Him. I removed bits and bits, millions of pieces of him that were scattered in my mind, my soul, my cunt, my eyes, my brain, my heart, my arms, tiny pieces of him everywhere on me, in me. And instead of wanting to lash out at him and tear him to pieces, to match my pieces, what he left of me, I think I'm growing in a more healthy and compassionate manner and I actually feel that I might be ready to look him in the eye and say 'I forgive you' and actually mean it.
I said the "no's" I had to without regret, or even worrying about the aftermath; I can no longer live in fear, trying to not upset anyone, but constantly upsetting myself. I was respectful and truthful, and if anyone cannot respect my honesty, well, they can eat shit.
And I won't be losing anymore sleep.
And we've been dealing with something as a family, were mortality looks you in the eye and you cannot but look it right back, it's right there in your face, And you realize, damn, damn it, we are human and things are bound to happen, if not sooner, then later, but damn, it's so hard when you least expect it. And through this, I have realized that I am not ready, I do not know how to cope with loss, I am afraid and I need to get my shit together and be stronger.
Tinks, we're not in Kansas anymore.
So yeah.. It's been...
These past few months?
But cleansing. Mainly.
Σάββατο, 5 Σεπτεμβρίου 2015
Of a 3 year old.
A drowned 3 year old.
In the sand.
To make people realize, or simply just ponder what the hell is going on around us.
I don't know how and if I'll ever get that image out of my head.
Or if the thought of it alone will ever stop giving me goosebumps.
I blame the media. Our ignorance. Our vague knowledge on everything, but on nothing essentially.
I know I can't stop the war.
I know I can't feed all the poor.
I know I can't take away all the sorrow around us.
But for fucks safe, I can, not be a jerk. I can, not be an ignorant indifferent individual. I can be nicer to people. I can help, in itty bitty ways, but imagine my itty bitty ways, combined with yours, and everyone, will make a hell lot of a difference.
Everyone has something to say these days, you see it everyday on your Facebook time line I presume. How the dumbest, illiterate (to say the least) posts get the most attention, where as something that requires common sense and a grain of sentimentality, are just overlooked. It never ceases to impress me. How we have allowed ourselves to be stupefied to the extent where we have lost our moral compass, our sense of humor, our bloody common sense and we are satisfied with whatever is given or available to us.
Because I find that social media paint a rather clear picture of the society you exist in.
And from point of view, it says a lot, but it doesn't say much.
If you catch my drift.
I just wanted to say, that inspite of the jerks, the idiots with the loud but void voices, I still damn believe in the bits of humanity in us, we just have to piece them together, come on, give me a hand here, this cannot be what we have been reduced to. What's left of us. I can't. I don't wanna. Believe.
If you catch my drift.
If not, sorry, my sleepless nights bring the nonsense out of me.
Σάββατο, 29 Αυγούστου 2015
Get up. Splash some water on your face.
Throw away those old dirty shoes. The soles are worn, they pinch your feet.
They're not even high enough.
Now, take out that pair. Yeah, you know which one I'm talking about. You've got the legs and the attitude to match.
Considering the size of this place, its exhausts you in unfathomable ways. Maybe it's the people. Maybe it's the mentality.
Maybe they can't understand how you can dance all night under that shiny disco ball in heels.
And do it with a smile.
Δευτέρα, 17 Αυγούστου 2015
Cigarette between my fingers.
I look up at that gorgeous summer night sky.
I bring that cigarette to my lips.
I am where I used to be.
Standing on a familiar corner.
But I breathe you out.
Out and up and away.
I dropped you in a sea as deep and dark as my soul.
Am I free? I don't know.
But on that very evening, on that very corner I know the very little detail of it, I breathed you out and watched that smoke dissolve into the nothingness of the night.
I'm here again.
And this time, I didn't keep you with me.
It was unfamiliar.
But soothing at the same time.
I looked up at what used to be my window.
Took that final drag.
And threw you and that cigarette butt away.
I felt lighter walking up the street after that.
And as I meshed into the noise of the street I told myself "Kid, I don't know how, but it's gonna be okay".
And strangely enough, I actually believed it.
Τρίτη, 28 Ιουλίου 2015
Κυριακή, 19 Ιουλίου 2015
Κοιτάω το ταβάνι.
Νιώθω ότι θέλω να λιώσω και να βρεθώ κάτω από το πάτωμα.
Δεν θέλω να έρθει κάποιος να με σηκώσει.
Αν γουστάρει, ας ξαπλώσει δίπλα μου στο πάτωμα.
Απλώς να μην με πρήζει να σηκωθώ τώρα από το γαμημένο το πάτωμα.
This is where I need to be for a while.
I need to grieve.
Πρέπει να θρηνήσω τις απώλειες μου για να γίνω καλά. Δεν με βοηθούν όσοι επιμένουν ότι πρέπει να σηκωθώ τώρα από το πάτωμα.
Προσπάθησα να τους μιλήσω, να τους εξηγήσω τι αισθάνονται και δεν με καταλαβαίνουν. Απορούν γιατί δεν είμαι καλά. Λένε ότι είμαι πιο δυνατή. Ότι αυτό που περνώ, δεν συνάδει με το ποια είμαι. Δεν καταλαβαίνουν και θέλουν να είμαι αυτή που ξέρουν.
Αυτή τη στιγμή, αυτήν την περίοδο δεν μπορώ. Και δε με καταλαβαίνουν.
Γι' αυτό σταμάτησα να προσπαθώ να τους εξηγήσω. Κι όταν με ρωτάνε γιατί είμαι στο πάτωμα, τους λέω από τη ζέστη.
Έτσι είμαστε όλοι καλά.
Πριν λίγες μέρες, με έπιασα να λέω τον πόνο μου σε μια άγνωστη. Κι ένιωσα ότι επιτέλους κάποιος με άκουγε χωρίς να λογοκρίνει.
Αυτό το πλάσμα ξάπλωσε δίπλα μου στο πάτωμα.
Κι όταν έπρεπε να χωριστούμε, μου είπε να μη βιαστώ να σηκωθώ, να πάρω το χρόνο μου. Αλλά να μην ξεχάσω να σηκωθώ όταν είμαι έτοιμη.
Ναι. Right now I just need to grieve. Grieve and accept. Be sad and cry and feel the losses in order to accept that this has happened.
Νιώθω χαμένη και αδύναμη. Υποφέρω μέσα μου με έναν τρόπο πρωτόγνωρο, νιώθω ότι το μυαλό μου δεν το ελέγχω. Ξυπνάω μέσα στη νύχτα, βλέπω εφιάλτες και με πιάνουν οι λυγμοί στο αυτοκίνητο. Δε θέλω να βλέπω κανένα αλλά η μοναξιά μου με τρελαίνει. Δε θέλω να μιλάω ενώ έχω τόσα να πω. Νιώθω μια ανεξήγητη κούραση να με καταβάλλει, τα επίπεδα της αντοχής μου είναι θλιβερά και αισθάνομαι τόσο λεπτή και ευάλωτη όσο ένα κομμάτι χαρτί.
Δεν σου λέω ότι αυτή είμαι. Αλλά αυτή την περίοδο, αυτό περνάω.
Είμαι απόλυτα συνειδητοποιημένη ότι είναι φυσιολογικό αυτό που αισθάνομαι και θέλω να πιστεύω ότι το χειρίζομαι όσο καλύτερα μπορώ. Προσπαθώ. I still fuck up, με απογοητεύω ακόμα παραπάνω αλλά ξέρω ότι it will get better.
Είμαι στο πάτωμα.
Ξέρω ότι σε κάποια φάση θα διψάσω και θα σηκωθώ να πάω στο ψυγείο να πάρω νερό.
Τότε που η δίψα μου θα είναι μεγαλύτερη από το βάρος που με κρατάει κάτω.