Δευτέρα, 28 Σεπτεμβρίου 2015
What has it been?
This past couple of months.?
In a word?
It really helped me, you know, going home, leaving here, and everyone that here consists of.
I found me, my heart, my soul, my fucking breath there; home, my place, where the soil smells familiar and social decency and manners come with the territory.
It's like I picked up myself and put me back together. As if my spirit was left there; sitting on the sidewalk and I had to go and get me back.
I came back a different person.
Or rather, the person I used to be.
I decided I'm gonna make that childhood dream of mine come true. I don't know how; I just know I'm gonna do it. I have to do it. The only reason I haven't done it so far is because somewhere along the line, I stopped believing that I was capable enough.
But something happened; something clicked, maybe I just lost my mind and I decided I'm insane enough now to just go out there and do it.
I've thought and worked a lot on forgiveness. Him. I removed bits and bits, millions of pieces of him that were scattered in my mind, my soul, my cunt, my eyes, my brain, my heart, my arms, tiny pieces of him everywhere on me, in me. And instead of wanting to lash out at him and tear him to pieces, to match my pieces, what he left of me, I think I'm growing in a more healthy and compassionate manner and I actually feel that I might be ready to look him in the eye and say 'I forgive you' and actually mean it.
I said the "no's" I had to without regret, or even worrying about the aftermath; I can no longer live in fear, trying to not upset anyone, but constantly upsetting myself. I was respectful and truthful, and if anyone cannot respect my honesty, well, they can eat shit.
And I won't be losing anymore sleep.
And we've been dealing with something as a family, were mortality looks you in the eye and you cannot but look it right back, it's right there in your face, And you realize, damn, damn it, we are human and things are bound to happen, if not sooner, then later, but damn, it's so hard when you least expect it. And through this, I have realized that I am not ready, I do not know how to cope with loss, I am afraid and I need to get my shit together and be stronger.
Tinks, we're not in Kansas anymore.
So yeah.. It's been...
These past few months?
But cleansing. Mainly.
Σάββατο, 5 Σεπτεμβρίου 2015
Of a 3 year old.
A drowned 3 year old.
In the sand.
To make people realize, or simply just ponder what the hell is going on around us.
I don't know how and if I'll ever get that image out of my head.
Or if the thought of it alone will ever stop giving me goosebumps.
I blame the media. Our ignorance. Our vague knowledge on everything, but on nothing essentially.
I know I can't stop the war.
I know I can't feed all the poor.
I know I can't take away all the sorrow around us.
But for fucks safe, I can, not be a jerk. I can, not be an ignorant indifferent individual. I can be nicer to people. I can help, in itty bitty ways, but imagine my itty bitty ways, combined with yours, and everyone, will make a hell lot of a difference.
Everyone has something to say these days, you see it everyday on your Facebook time line I presume. How the dumbest, illiterate (to say the least) posts get the most attention, where as something that requires common sense and a grain of sentimentality, are just overlooked. It never ceases to impress me. How we have allowed ourselves to be stupefied to the extent where we have lost our moral compass, our sense of humor, our bloody common sense and we are satisfied with whatever is given or available to us.
Because I find that social media paint a rather clear picture of the society you exist in.
And from point of view, it says a lot, but it doesn't say much.
If you catch my drift.
I just wanted to say, that inspite of the jerks, the idiots with the loud but void voices, I still damn believe in the bits of humanity in us, we just have to piece them together, come on, give me a hand here, this cannot be what we have been reduced to. What's left of us. I can't. I don't wanna. Believe.
If you catch my drift.
If not, sorry, my sleepless nights bring the nonsense out of me.