Tinkerbell 7.0.4.

*deeeeeeeeeeep breath*

Nope, I'm not pissed off. Nope, I'm not fuming. I'm just taking a deeeeeeep breath because it feels good.

Simple isn't it? To be happy? Content? Positive? But could we ever be just that? Happy, content and positive, with all that ego going around inside us, eating us inside out? Hanging onto things that tarnish us, people that suck the love out of us. How could we ever be happy, content and positive when we put ourselves through hell just for our ego, to just be fucking right?

Στον μεγάλο μου περίπατο εντόπισα πολλά λάθη μου. Εντοπίζω ακόμα. Είπα πως δεν θέλω να είμαι πια αυτό το πλάσμα. I don't want to do that anymore. Είμαι πολύ εγωίστρια and half the not nice things that happened to me, I think I brought them on myself. Because of my ego. Because I couldn't let go. Because I couldn't not be right.

I don't wanna be that person anymore, I wanna be happy. Go all Buhdish or something. Because στον μεγάλο μου περίπατο, I made me happy with nothing. With noone. And I physically and mentally survived. Επομένως, αν κάτι ή κάποιος με χαλάει, and I try to fix it but it somehow still won't work, maybe I should let it go, όσο κι αν πονάει.

And that's what I did. I let go of things. I let go of people. Situations. Even feelings, if they offered more crappy stuff than pleasure.

I simply cannot do that to myself anymore. I don't want to do that to myself anymore.

I feel.... upgraded. Refreshed. Or is it rebooted? Restored to an earlier state, before things rubbed off on me?

I'm trying different things. New things. I'm sleeping better. I look younger, calmer. I am calmer. And I try to find joy in the little bits and moments. I am making an effort with the people I have chosen to include in my life. I still bite my tongue with those I have dismissed from my life because -damn that ego of mine!- I'm human and some things hurt and bother me, but I will not allow anyone, or anything, suck me into misery. Their misery.

*deeeeeeeeeeep breath*

It's only gonna get better. Once you realize. Once you understand. Once you figure it out. Yeah.

Standing Tall

I know how it sounds, but my shoes make me feel better. Think of it as an adult -and quite pricey- safety blanket. They give me confidence, they make me feel sexy; it's like psychotherapy in 3 steps.

But we need to get to the bottom of this, to the heart of the matter.

So I kick of my shoes.

I'm barefoot.

I shed off my confident shield and show you how vulnerable I can actually be. To the point where you can actually break me.

And I ask.

"Can I trust you?"

I've never stood taller in my life.

Merry-Go-Round

One ticket. Three suitcases. One little fairy.

Αναγνωρίζω ότι επιστρέφοντας, θα μπω σε μια κοινωνία όπου η αγένεια υπερέχει της ευγένειας, η πλειοψηφία των ανθρώπων είναι loud (and I don't mean that in a nice way) και η οποιαδήποτε προσπάθεια μου να εξηγήσω σε κάποιον τι ακριβώς εννοώ, θα πέσει στο κενό.

Αναγνωρίζω επίσης ότι I put my life on hold και με την επιστροφή μου, κάποια πράγματα δεν θα είναι τα ίδια. Άλλα πάλι, θα είναι ακριβώς τα ίδια. Αναγνωρίζω ότι θα έχω να αντιμετωπίσω ένα μικροχάος, I might have some explaining to do and I'll definitely have a shitload of laundry to do.

Νιώθω την ανάγκη να απομακρυνθώ από κάποιους και με άλλους να έρθω πιο κοντά.

Αποφάσισα να μην καπνίζω μέσα στο σπίτι.

I need to get a bigger bookcase.

And a bigger closet.

Ένιωθα κάτι νωρίτερα, μια αναστάτωση μες την ψυχή μου, as if I couldn't breathe. Μην είναι το realization ότι the party's over and I have to go back to (my) realities? Μην είναι η έκλειψη και ο ανάδρομος Ερμής? Μην είναι να έχω παλαβώσει εντελώς και αρνούμαι πεισματικά να συνέλθω?

Ό,τι κι αν είναι, it's there; it's real and I'm coming to terms with it.

Η αλήθεια είναι ότι γενικώς έχω ηρεμήσει πολύ, έχω αγαπήσει πάλι τον εαυτό μου, I made myself proud actually και θέλω να πιστεύω ότι μπαίνω σε νέα πορεία, νέα φάση της ζωής μου, καλύτερη, πιο όμορφη, πιο γεμάτη.

Αλλά ξέρεις τι σκεφτόμουν πολύ τις τελευταίες βδομάδες? What is home? Αυτό σκέφτομαι. Eίναι το μέρος όπου γεννήθηκες? Εκεί που είναι το σπίτι σου? Είναι, το σπίτι σου? Εκεί όπου είναι η οικογένεια σου, οι φίλοι σου? Εκεί που νιώθεις πιο άνετα?

What is home?

Honestly? I still don't know. When I say home, I mean either one of two things. So maybe home can be more than just one thing? One place?

Όλο αυτό το διάστημα ένιωθα ότι ήμουν σε καρουζέλ. Ένα τεράστιο, όμορφο και φωτεινό merry-go-round και μόλις τέλειωνε, έδινα άλλο ένα φλουρί και ξανάβγαινα. Και δεν το χόρταινα.

Αλλά όσο ωραίο κι αν είναι κάτι, άμα δεν αλλάζει, δεν κάνει evolve αργά ή γρήγορα θα σε κουράσει. So I'm done going round in circles. Και κατέβηκα από το καρουζέλ.

And now I'm all about walking straight ahead. Λίγο ζαλισμένη μεν, αλλά definitely straight ahead.