Oh Misty Eyes

It's been...

Hm.

What has it been?

This past couple of months.?

In a word?

Cleansing.

Mainly.

It really helped me, you know, going home, leaving here, and everyone that here consists of.

I found me, my heart, my soul, my fucking breath there; home, my place, where the soil smells familiar and social decency and manners come with the territory.

It's like I picked up myself and put me back together. As if my spirit was left there; sitting on the sidewalk and I had to go and get me back.

I came back a different person.

Or rather, the person I used to be.

I decided I'm gonna make that childhood dream of mine come true. I don't know how; I just know I'm gonna do it. I have to do it. The only reason I haven't done it so far is because somewhere along the line, I stopped believing that I was capable enough.

But something happened; something clicked, maybe I just lost my mind and I decided I'm insane enough now to just go out there and do it.

I've thought and worked a lot on forgiveness. Him. I removed bits and bits, millions of pieces of him that were scattered in my mind, my soul, my cunt, my eyes, my brain, my heart, my arms, tiny pieces of him everywhere on me, in me. And instead of wanting to lash out at him and tear him to pieces, to match my pieces, what he left of me, I think I'm growing in a more healthy and compassionate manner and I actually feel that I might be ready to look him in the eye and say 'I forgive you' and actually mean it.

I said the "no's" I had to without regret, or even worrying about the aftermath; I can no longer live in fear, trying to not upset anyone, but constantly upsetting myself. I was respectful and truthful, and if anyone cannot respect my honesty, well, they can eat shit.

And I won't be losing anymore sleep.

And we've been dealing with something as a family, were mortality looks you in the eye and you cannot but look it right back, it's right there in your face, And you realize, damn, damn it, we are human and things are bound to happen, if not sooner, then later, but damn, it's so hard when you least expect it. And through this, I have realized that I am not ready, I do not know how to cope with loss, I am afraid and I need to get my shit together and be stronger.

Tinks, we're not in Kansas anymore.

So yeah.. It's been...

These past few months?

Liberating.

Scary.

Inspiring.

But cleansing. Mainly.

None.Sense.

It took one picture.

Of a 3 year old.

A drowned 3 year old.

Face down.

In the sand.

To make people realize, or simply just ponder what the hell is going on around us.

I don't know how and if I'll ever get that image out of my head.

Or if the thought of it alone will ever stop giving me goosebumps.

I blame the media. Our ignorance. Our vague knowledge on everything, but on nothing essentially.

I know I can't stop the war.

I know I can't feed all the poor.

I know I can't take away all the sorrow around us.

But for fucks safe, I can, not be a jerk. I can, not be an ignorant indifferent individual. I can be nicer to people. I can help, in itty bitty ways, but imagine my itty bitty ways, combined with yours, and everyone, will make a hell lot of a difference.

Everyone has something to say these days, you see it everyday on your Facebook time line I presume. How the dumbest, illiterate (to say the least) posts get the most attention, where as something that requires common sense and a grain of sentimentality, are just overlooked. It never ceases to impress me. How we have allowed ourselves to be stupefied to the extent where we have lost our moral compass, our sense of humor, our bloody common sense and we are satisfied with whatever is given or available to us.

Because I find that social media paint a rather clear picture of the society you exist in.

And from point of view, it says a lot, but it doesn't say much.

If you catch my drift.

I just wanted to say, that inspite of the jerks, the idiots with the loud but void voices, I still damn believe in the bits of humanity in us, we just have to piece them together, come on, give me a hand here, this cannot be what we have been reduced to. What's left of us. I can't. I don't wanna. Believe.

If you catch my drift.

If not, sorry, my sleepless nights bring the nonsense out of me.

Shiny Disco Ball

Okay, wipe last night's mascara from under your eyes. No more panda eyes for you girl.

Get up. Splash some water on your face.

Throw away those old dirty shoes. The soles are worn, they pinch your feet.

They're not even high enough.

Now, take out that pair. Yeah, you know which one I'm talking about. You've got the legs and the attitude to match.

Considering the size of this place, its exhausts you in unfathomable ways. Maybe it's the people. Maybe it's the mentality.

Maybe they can't understand how you can dance all night under that shiny disco ball in heels.

And do it with a smile.

I Used To Write On Walls

I stood on the familiar corner of whatever and whatever.

Cigarette between my fingers.

I look up at that gorgeous summer night sky.

I bring that cigarette to my lips.

I inhale.

I am where I used to be.

Standing on a familiar corner.

But I breathe you out.

Out.

Out and up and away.

I dropped you in a sea as deep and dark as my soul.

Am I free? I don't know.

But on that very evening, on that very corner I know the very little detail of it, I breathed you out and watched that smoke dissolve into the nothingness of the night.

I'm here again.

Home.

And this time, I didn't keep you with me.

It was unfamiliar.

But soothing at the same time.

I looked up at what used to be my window.

Took that final drag.

And threw you and that cigarette butt away.

I felt lighter walking up the street after that.

And as I meshed into the noise of the street I told myself "Kid, I don't know how, but it's gonna be okay".

And strangely enough, I actually believed it.

Θυμάσαι?

Πονώ σε?

Λίγο, αλλά μ'αρέσει.

Εδώ Το Πάτωμα

Είμαι στο πάτωμα.

Κοιτάω το ταβάνι.

Νιώθω ότι θέλω να λιώσω και να βρεθώ κάτω από το πάτωμα.

Δεν θέλω να έρθει κάποιος να με σηκώσει.

Αν γουστάρει, ας ξαπλώσει δίπλα μου στο πάτωμα.

Απλώς να μην με πρήζει να σηκωθώ τώρα από το γαμημένο το πάτωμα.

This is where I need to be for a while.

I need to grieve.

Πρέπει να θρηνήσω τις απώλειες μου για να γίνω καλά. Δεν με βοηθούν όσοι επιμένουν ότι πρέπει να σηκωθώ τώρα από το πάτωμα.

Προσπάθησα να τους μιλήσω, να τους εξηγήσω τι αισθάνονται και δεν με καταλαβαίνουν. Απορούν γιατί δεν είμαι καλά. Λένε ότι είμαι πιο δυνατή. Ότι αυτό που περνώ, δεν συνάδει με το ποια είμαι. Δεν καταλαβαίνουν και θέλουν να είμαι αυτή που ξέρουν.

Αυτή τη στιγμή, αυτήν την περίοδο δεν μπορώ. Και δε με καταλαβαίνουν.

Γι' αυτό σταμάτησα να προσπαθώ να τους εξηγήσω. Κι όταν με ρωτάνε γιατί είμαι στο πάτωμα, τους λέω από τη ζέστη.

Έτσι είμαστε όλοι καλά.

Πριν λίγες μέρες, με έπιασα να λέω τον πόνο μου σε μια άγνωστη. Κι ένιωσα ότι επιτέλους κάποιος με άκουγε χωρίς να λογοκρίνει.

Αυτό το πλάσμα ξάπλωσε δίπλα μου στο πάτωμα.

Κι όταν έπρεπε να χωριστούμε, μου είπε να μη βιαστώ να σηκωθώ, να πάρω το χρόνο μου. Αλλά να μην ξεχάσω να σηκωθώ όταν είμαι έτοιμη.

Ναι. Right now I just need to grieve. Grieve and accept. Be sad and cry and feel the losses in order to accept that this has happened.

Νιώθω χαμένη και αδύναμη. Υποφέρω μέσα μου με έναν τρόπο πρωτόγνωρο, νιώθω ότι το μυαλό μου δεν το ελέγχω. Ξυπνάω μέσα στη νύχτα, βλέπω εφιάλτες και με πιάνουν οι λυγμοί στο αυτοκίνητο. Δε θέλω να βλέπω κανένα αλλά η μοναξιά μου με τρελαίνει. Δε θέλω να μιλάω ενώ έχω τόσα να πω. Νιώθω μια ανεξήγητη κούραση να με καταβάλλει, τα επίπεδα της αντοχής μου είναι θλιβερά και αισθάνομαι τόσο λεπτή και ευάλωτη όσο ένα κομμάτι χαρτί.

Δεν σου λέω ότι αυτή είμαι. Αλλά αυτή την περίοδο, αυτό περνάω.

Είμαι απόλυτα συνειδητοποιημένη ότι είναι φυσιολογικό αυτό που αισθάνομαι και θέλω να πιστεύω ότι το χειρίζομαι όσο καλύτερα μπορώ. Προσπαθώ. I still fuck up, με απογοητεύω ακόμα παραπάνω αλλά ξέρω ότι it will get better.

Είμαι στο πάτωμα.

Ξέρω ότι σε κάποια φάση θα διψάσω και θα σηκωθώ να πάω στο ψυγείο να πάρω νερό.

Τότε που η δίψα μου θα είναι μεγαλύτερη από το βάρος που με κρατάει κάτω.

Το Κακό Συναπάντημα.

Why are you looking at me without saying a word, he asked me. Speak to me damn it!

He looked at me, with such a look that crushed me.

I was standing there, looking at him and I couldn't breathe a word.

What do you say to someone who is no longer there?

Because the man I had in front of me, even though he looked familiar, he sound just like he used to, his eyes were two black holes and I saw nothing.

You're dead.

And what exactly do you say to a corpse?

And I stood there, in the middle of the street and watched the ghost of the man I once loved, angrily walk away.

And there was nothing I could do but watch him disappear into the darkness.