I Come From A Different Place

As I'm sitting here, I realize that I come from a different place when I say, I know better now. It's more grounded, more confident. Or maybe it just became a little clearer to me. But I do know better now.

At least compared to where I came from last year.

Isn't it funny, how we tend to wipe off the ugly parts of a year nearing its end, and focusing on the good? Maybe it's a self preservation mechanism, maybe we wanna exorcise the bad and negative and not drag any drama into the new year territory and jinx it.

Not in the beginning at least.

I guess we all need a clean slate every once in a while. Give ourselves a pat on the back and say -hey, even believe it really- "it's gonna be alright".

I started 2015 with the best possible circumstances. It felt as if everything was falling into place. But then, it went really bad.

No, I mean, really bad.

But even during that bad time, I can't ignore that I was thrown a bone. Blessings as I tend to call them and they came at the right moment and maybe even saved my sanity then cause I was really on the end of my rope.

So as 2015 is ending I know I have to close the door on things and people once and for all and from its ruins, begin building something else. Hopefully much better and stronger.

2015 took you away from me so violently that the thought of it still makes my blood run cold. But I no longer have the need to understand the whys and the hows; I have been learning to accept things and move on.

2015 also pushed me to my professional limits, and in a way I got to another level. God knows how frightened and unsure I was, but somehow I managed to pull it off. I did it. On my own. So yeah, maybe I am worthy afterall. I couldn't believe it if I hadn't gone through it.

2015 also taught me how to be me; I did not run for role-model-of-the-year so I do not care if people disagree with me and feel let down by me. I can no longer keep a straight face or my opinion to myself when I'm dealing with stupidity, audacity, unfairness or any sort of personal attack. I've realized what a huge matter is respect to me, and it all stems -and in some cases, ends- there.

So as I'm sitting here barefoot with an unlit cigarette hanging from my lips, I am looking forward to 2016 and all it will bring. I'm excited at its prospects, keeping my fingers crossed that the universe won't fuck itself sideways and plunge me into the abyss of self loathing and disappointment again, but at the same time, as I'm writing this, I am hopeful that, even if it does fuck its self sideways, that I'll be better equipped to deal with it in a manner that my 2017 self will be proud of me. All because I now come from a different place.

Happy new year and I wish you all love and light xx

Μικροανασκόπηση

Επιχειρώ.

Παίζει να'ναι το πρώτο post που επιχειρώ να γράψω χωρίς τσιγάρο.

Ναι. Προσπαθώ να το κόψω.

Μεγάλη πίκρα. Δυσκολάκι. Αλλά μου βγήκε ένα πρωινό, ότι δε θέλω πια να καπνίζω τσιγάρα. Να είναι η ζωή μου συνώνυμο με αυτό.

Μεγάλη όμως η δοκιμασία.

Κάτι έχω πάθει τελευταία, το έχεις προσέξει δεν είναι?

Λίγες μέρες πριν τις γιορτές. Οι οποίες δεν θα είναι όπως τις άλλες. Θα είναι διαφορετικές αυτές, δε γίνεται αλλιώς και δεν είναι στο χέρι μου.

Κοίτα να δεις, που πριν φύγει το 2015 θα μου αλλάξει τα φώτα.

Δεν το λέω παραπονιάρικα.

Αντιθέτως.

Έπαιξε πολύ ωρίμανση φέτος.

Ακάλεστη. Αλλά καλοδεχούμενη.

*θέλω τσιγάρο*

Καπνίζω αυτή τη μαλακία, το ηλεκτρονικό, που έχει καλύτερη γεύση και δε βρωμάει, αλλά γαμώτο, καμιά φορά το πεθυμώ τόσο πολύ.

Κυρίως αυτό το feeling, αυτό το pleasure που μου πρόσφερε.

Κάποτε.

Γιατί τελευταία, ούτε αυτό δεν το πετύχαινε.

Τι λέω τόσο καιρό? Για πράγματα, feelings και καταστάσεις που δεν είναι πια τα ίδια και δεν σου προσφέρουν πια την ίδια απόλαυση?

Ναι, αυτό είναι. Αυτή είναι η λέξη: απόλαυση.

Τι απολαμβάνεις? Τι χαίρεσαι? Και τι σου δίνει πια τόση μεγάλη χαρά?

Έχεις απαντήσεις σε αυτά?

Ή ακόμα καλύτερα, τα έχεις αυτά?

Και κυρίως, κοιμάσαι ήσυχα τα βράδια?

Επιχειρώ να δίνω καταφατικές απαντήσεις σε όλα αυτά τα ερωτήματα. Προσπαθώ να βρώ το δρόμο μου. Τη χαρά μου. Τρόπους να διατηρώ την ηρεμία μου και να βελτιώσω τη ποιότητα της ζωής μου.

The race is long.

Αλλά δε φοβάμαι.

Καλή βδομάδα σας εύχομαι. Και να είστε καλά όπου κι αν σας πετυχαίνω.