Ghosts of Months Past

Last New Years I hosted a party at my house. By the early morning, I was sitting on the floor in my sparkly party dress with one of my best friends, each clutching a bottle of champagne, laughing endlessly and making plans.

I really believed 2013 would be that year. The kind of year that changes you, that has all those wonderful things happening to you. The year that makes dreams come true.

Για αλλού ξεκίνησα, αλλού με πήγε ο δρόμος και αλλού κατέληξα. I feel sorry for all those grapes that sacrificed themselves to make that fine sparkly wine I so gladly consumed that night.

No, my project failed to launch. And it was disappointing. All that hard work, not down the drain, but locked securely in my desk. Collecting dust and other particles.

No, I didn't have a blast in Vegas on my birthday. Instead, έμεινα εδώ και χόρεψα ζεμπέκικο and drank my sorry ass silly to forget my heartache.

No, Prince Charming did not come along. I thought he did but turns out, he was too charming too keep his hands and dick to himself. And I was too hopeful stupid to believe otherwise.

Unfortunately, 2013 was more tears than laughter, and that's the saddest part. However, δεν μπορώ να τα ισοπεδώσω όλα, γιατί it brought me things I never even considered.

A job opportunity I was reluctant to take, because I feared I couldn't do it. And I pulled it through with flying colors.

An emotionally horrible summer to put things into perspective and see who my real friends are.

A long -and much needed- trip  journey away from everything and everyone. A big 'fuck you' in my face, to my life, to everything that was familiar to me. And I just took the plunge -even after a lot of doubt and consideration- and never looked back.

And I came back. And even though everything was the same, I could no longer see it that way. Because I changed. Everything feels so tragically linear and I feel different.

And unlike last New Years and every other New Years before that, I really don't know what I want to expect for 2014. There is no plan this time. There are no wants. No dreams. No resolutions. Maybe I got up on the wrong side of the bed today. Maybe I'm no longer bothered. Maybe I'm just scared to admit that it's done. This place, this life, these people, done.Scared to admit that it has been for a while and I'm just realizing it. Coming to terms with it.

I just want to hear dirty sexy saxophone music, close my eyes and dance in the rain. And I don't expect the majority of people to understand.

Talk Dirty To Me

Now go out there and make this day worthwhile.

Tinkerbell 7.0.4.

*deeeeeeeeeeep breath*

Nope, I'm not pissed off. Nope, I'm not fuming. I'm just taking a deeeeeeep breath because it feels good.

Simple isn't it? To be happy? Content? Positive? But could we ever be just that? Happy, content and positive, with all that ego going around inside us, eating us inside out? Hanging onto things that tarnish us, people that suck the love out of us. How could we ever be happy, content and positive when we put ourselves through hell just for our ego, to just be fucking right?

Στον μεγάλο μου περίπατο εντόπισα πολλά λάθη μου. Εντοπίζω ακόμα. Είπα πως δεν θέλω να είμαι πια αυτό το πλάσμα. I don't want to do that anymore. Είμαι πολύ εγωίστρια and half the not nice things that happened to me, I think I brought them on myself. Because of my ego. Because I couldn't let go. Because I couldn't not be right.

I don't wanna be that person anymore, I wanna be happy. Go all Buhdish or something. Because στον μεγάλο μου περίπατο, I made me happy with nothing. With noone. And I physically and mentally survived. Επομένως, αν κάτι ή κάποιος με χαλάει, and I try to fix it but it somehow still won't work, maybe I should let it go, όσο κι αν πονάει.

And that's what I did. I let go of things. I let go of people. Situations. Even feelings, if they offered more crappy stuff than pleasure.

I simply cannot do that to myself anymore. I don't want to do that to myself anymore.

I feel.... upgraded. Refreshed. Or is it rebooted? Restored to an earlier state, before things rubbed off on me?

I'm trying different things. New things. I'm sleeping better. I look younger, calmer. I am calmer. And I try to find joy in the little bits and moments. I am making an effort with the people I have chosen to include in my life. I still bite my tongue with those I have dismissed from my life because -damn that ego of mine!- I'm human and some things hurt and bother me, but I will not allow anyone, or anything, suck me into misery. Their misery.

*deeeeeeeeeeep breath*

It's only gonna get better. Once you realize. Once you understand. Once you figure it out. Yeah.

Standing Tall

I know how it sounds, but my shoes make me feel better. Think of it as an adult -and quite pricey- safety blanket. They give me confidence, they make me feel sexy; it's like psychotherapy in 3 steps.

But we need to get to the bottom of this, to the heart of the matter.

So I kick of my shoes.

I'm barefoot.

I shed off my confident shield and show you how vulnerable I can actually be. To the point where you can actually break me.

And I ask.

"Can I trust you?"

I've never stood taller in my life.

Merry-Go-Round

One ticket. Three suitcases. One little fairy.

Αναγνωρίζω ότι επιστρέφοντας, θα μπω σε μια κοινωνία όπου η αγένεια υπερέχει της ευγένειας, η πλειοψηφία των ανθρώπων είναι loud (and I don't mean that in a nice way) και η οποιαδήποτε προσπάθεια μου να εξηγήσω σε κάποιον τι ακριβώς εννοώ, θα πέσει στο κενό.

Αναγνωρίζω επίσης ότι I put my life on hold και με την επιστροφή μου, κάποια πράγματα δεν θα είναι τα ίδια. Άλλα πάλι, θα είναι ακριβώς τα ίδια. Αναγνωρίζω ότι θα έχω να αντιμετωπίσω ένα μικροχάος, I might have some explaining to do and I'll definitely have a shitload of laundry to do.

Νιώθω την ανάγκη να απομακρυνθώ από κάποιους και με άλλους να έρθω πιο κοντά.

Αποφάσισα να μην καπνίζω μέσα στο σπίτι.

I need to get a bigger bookcase.

And a bigger closet.

Ένιωθα κάτι νωρίτερα, μια αναστάτωση μες την ψυχή μου, as if I couldn't breathe. Μην είναι το realization ότι the party's over and I have to go back to (my) realities? Μην είναι η έκλειψη και ο ανάδρομος Ερμής? Μην είναι να έχω παλαβώσει εντελώς και αρνούμαι πεισματικά να συνέλθω?

Ό,τι κι αν είναι, it's there; it's real and I'm coming to terms with it.

Η αλήθεια είναι ότι γενικώς έχω ηρεμήσει πολύ, έχω αγαπήσει πάλι τον εαυτό μου, I made myself proud actually και θέλω να πιστεύω ότι μπαίνω σε νέα πορεία, νέα φάση της ζωής μου, καλύτερη, πιο όμορφη, πιο γεμάτη.

Αλλά ξέρεις τι σκεφτόμουν πολύ τις τελευταίες βδομάδες? What is home? Αυτό σκέφτομαι. Eίναι το μέρος όπου γεννήθηκες? Εκεί που είναι το σπίτι σου? Είναι, το σπίτι σου? Εκεί όπου είναι η οικογένεια σου, οι φίλοι σου? Εκεί που νιώθεις πιο άνετα?

What is home?

Honestly? I still don't know. When I say home, I mean either one of two things. So maybe home can be more than just one thing? One place?

Όλο αυτό το διάστημα ένιωθα ότι ήμουν σε καρουζέλ. Ένα τεράστιο, όμορφο και φωτεινό merry-go-round και μόλις τέλειωνε, έδινα άλλο ένα φλουρί και ξανάβγαινα. Και δεν το χόρταινα.

Αλλά όσο ωραίο κι αν είναι κάτι, άμα δεν αλλάζει, δεν κάνει evolve αργά ή γρήγορα θα σε κουράσει. So I'm done going round in circles. Και κατέβηκα από το καρουζέλ.

And now I'm all about walking straight ahead. Λίγο ζαλισμένη μεν, αλλά definitely straight ahead.

Here and Now

My parents asked me when I'm coming back.

*blank*

Then they asked me if I missed them.

No.

I haven't missed anyone.

Don't get me wrong: σκέφτομαι πολύ τους ανθρώπους μου (my parents included) αλλά δεν μου έχει λείψει κανένας. Ή τίποτα. Ή τουλάχιστον, όπως μου έλειπαν πράγματα, καταστάσεις και άτομα last time I packed up and left.

Ο πατέρας μου, μου είπε ότι είναι σημάδι 'of maturity'.

Ή σημάδι της απόλυτης αποκτήνωσης, I suggested. Επειδή, λείπω κάτι παραπάνω από ένα μήνα και η ζωή μου στην Κύπρο μου φαίνεται τόσο μακρινή... τόσο ξένη σχεδόν. Λες και είναι κάτι που είδα σε μια ταινία ή μια ιστορία που άκουσα από κάποιον. It's so weird. Δεν ξέρω πως ακριβώς να το περιγράψω. I came here and I meshed into this world. Faded away from what I knew, or normally did. Ενώ είμαι tidiness freak, my room here is a mess. And the weird thing is, that I'm actually okay with that. I don't mind existing in messiness.

I bought my first pair of Converse. I read a lot. I walk a lot. I sit on benches and watch people (yes, I do realize how creepy that sounds, but I do it in a non-creepy, non-stalkerish way). I haven't missed my car. I haven't missed my bed (!!) and I actually feel that chaos of a room 'homey'.

Now people... Have I missed people? Like, when you miss people, you wanna talk to them all the time and you cry when you think of them and shit right? At least, that's what 'missing' sounds like in my head. I'm not like that now. I guess I do miss them, but in a different way now. Less dehydrating way. Κάποτε περπατάω στο δρόμο and I think I see someone I know. My best friend, my dad, Taurus, my brother, my uncle (?!). Sometimes I think I see them in the crowd. And even though I do know it's not them, I smile. Because they are on my mind and I love them. And maybe when I think I see them in the crowd, it's when they're thinking about me and missing me -in their own way- too.

Ίσως αυτή να είναι η ζωή που δεν έζησα. 'Η μια ιδέα από την ζωή που δεν έζησα. Θα ήταν καλύτερα? Χειρότερα? I'll never know I guess...Είναι και λίγο ανούσιο να το σκέφτεσαι, exactly because you'll never know. But for the time being, for here and now and everyone I come across, I'm just a little fairy from far far away. And I like that.

After a looong walk and (thinking of) seeing people I know in an anonymous crowd, I decided to buy me some dinner. I walked in a restaurant (I eat alone and I get no weird looks. There is nothing more empowering than eating alone in public and not caring. I love this place!) and was seated at a table. The waiter asked if I was expecting company. I said no.

I had an amazing meal and while I was finishing my Cosmopolitan (some things do not change, ok?), I looked at the empty chair across from me. And I smiled. If I managed to eat alone for over a month and not end up being depressed by it, well, then maybe I think I'm ready to share my dinner with someone.

And maybe it's time to come home.

Plug Into The Present

One of my very intelligent border-lining genius professors used to say to us 'Plug into the present'.

Plug into the present? What the hell is this guy talking about?

He used to say 'Plug into the present because that's where the less possible pressure exists'.

*perplexed looks*

It took me a while to understand what this statement was all about. I think it started to hit me when I was in Paris. I was on the Eiffel Tower but I was anxious to go to the Louvre. When I got to the Louvre, I was excited for like 10 minutes and then I wanted to go to Notre Dame. And when I got there, I was like 'Yeah, ok, I'm hungry'. I'm always living in a future situation.It doesn't matter if it's an hour ahead, or months ahead but for crying out loud woman, just stop and look around you NOW.

That's when it first hit me; that mentally, I exist in a place that hasn't come yet. Mentally, I'm always somewhere in the future. Like being in Cyprus but living on Tokyo time.

Which sucks really because apart from the practicality issues that arise, I miss out on here and now, Or rather, I should say 'missed' because now that I have realized it, I'm trying to exist in the 'here and now' and dream/hope/think about the future, but not spoil my present over it.

So yes, my very intelligent border-lining genius professor was really onto something.

So plugging into the present it is. So much, that I literally stop in the middle of the street and take a look around me. When I get worked up thinking about what I have to do tomorrow, I stop and force myself to look around me. Look at the people. The tree. The car that passes by. Look at something that is happening right now.

In doing so, I feel a lot more relaxed. It's like my mind is not working in overdrive anymore. I'm calmer, I sleep better and I'm saying 'fuck it' like I mean it. It's not easy sometimes; I mean I was programmed all my life to be on high speed and always 5 steps ahead. I still think about the future, make plans and dreams and all, but essentially, I don't want to exist there; I want to exist in here and now. Because this is what I'm given and that future I'm planning and dreaming about is definitely not a given. And no matter what amount of planning and dreaming of it, can guarantee it. So what do you do?

You plug into the present.

Breathe it. Feel it. Taste it. Enjoy it.