Ghosts of Months Past

Last New Years I hosted a party at my house. By the early morning, I was sitting on the floor in my sparkly party dress with one of my best friends, each clutching a bottle of champagne, laughing endlessly and making plans.

I really believed 2013 would be that year. The kind of year that changes you, that has all those wonderful things happening to you. The year that makes dreams come true.

Για αλλού ξεκίνησα, αλλού με πήγε ο δρόμος και αλλού κατέληξα. I feel sorry for all those grapes that sacrificed themselves to make that fine sparkly wine I so gladly consumed that night.

No, my project failed to launch. And it was disappointing. All that hard work, not down the drain, but locked securely in my desk. Collecting dust and other particles.

No, I didn't have a blast in Vegas on my birthday. Instead, έμεινα εδώ και χόρεψα ζεμπέκικο and drank my sorry ass silly to forget my heartache.

No, Prince Charming did not come along. I thought he did but turns out, he was too charming too keep his hands and dick to himself. And I was too hopeful stupid to believe otherwise.

Unfortunately, 2013 was more tears than laughter, and that's the saddest part. However, δεν μπορώ να τα ισοπεδώσω όλα, γιατί it brought me things I never even considered.

A job opportunity I was reluctant to take, because I feared I couldn't do it. And I pulled it through with flying colors.

An emotionally horrible summer to put things into perspective and see who my real friends are.

A long -and much needed- trip  journey away from everything and everyone. A big 'fuck you' in my face, to my life, to everything that was familiar to me. And I just took the plunge -even after a lot of doubt and consideration- and never looked back.

And I came back. And even though everything was the same, I could no longer see it that way. Because I changed. Everything feels so tragically linear and I feel different.

And unlike last New Years and every other New Years before that, I really don't know what I want to expect for 2014. There is no plan this time. There are no wants. No dreams. No resolutions. Maybe I got up on the wrong side of the bed today. Maybe I'm no longer bothered. Maybe I'm just scared to admit that it's done. This place, this life, these people, done.Scared to admit that it has been for a while and I'm just realizing it. Coming to terms with it.

I just want to hear dirty sexy saxophone music, close my eyes and dance in the rain. And I don't expect the majority of people to understand.