Kiss And Makeup

Ένα μεγάλο theme των ημερών είναι το forgiving. It's on my mind a lot. Αλλά δεν το'χω. Not yet at least. Κυρίως γιατί όταν το σκέφτομαι, νευριάζω, τσιτώνω, κλαίω, με πιάνει το παράπονο.

I haven't forgiven him. Αυτό διαπιστώνω από την αντίδραση μου και τα συναισθήματα που νιώθω. Και ξέρω ότι για να βρω το (fucking) peace of mind μου, I have to forgive him. But I'm still too angry. Dare I say I'm still hurt.

I don't need anyone to talk logic into me; I completely and rationally comprehend everything. Δεν αξίζει κάποιος άμα σου κάνει έτσι. Δεν ένιωθε πραγματικά για να συμπεριφερθεί έτσι. Ι understand that. Emotionally όμως, δεν καταλαβαίνω Χριστό. Emotionally, δεν θα πω ότι I'm a mess, I'm just... lost. Rationally, this will make another great story to tell about my great journey in life. Another wisdom story learnt. Emotionally όμως it left a huge void in my already beaten inner psyche. Making me question whether I have it in me. This thing about being lovable.

And forgiving isn't really about the other person; it's about you. Whether I forgive or not, will have absolutely no effect on him, it makes no difference to him, he doesn't even know and it doesn't even matter, does it? It's about me; and I know I need to make peace with this ...thing that happened and I can't figure it out. I don't wish him bad, αντιθέτως λέω να μην το δει ποτέ του, αλλά γαμώτο why am I so beaten still by this fact?

I don't want him back, I don't even miss him. And yet, he's all over the place because of this. He's out of the picture, and yet the picture I'm left with, is the one he drew. And I don't like it. But it's there. And I have to deal with it. And I don't know how.

How do you forgive? And how do you know when you have forgiven? Is it when the pain eases? When the mere fact of it, does not bring tears to your eyes? Does not bother you?

I keep busy, έπεσα με τα μούτρα στη δουλειά, I go out with my friends and have an awesome time. But out of nowhere, μόλις σταματήσουν όλα και κλείσουν τα φώτα it creeps up on me. It's there. It's raw and ugly. This feeling. And I don't know how to get rid of it.
 

I Woke Up Not Wanting To Kiss You

Ένα από τα silver linings που έβρισκα στους χωρισμούς μου, ήταν το ότι I could reclaim bed space. Κατά κάποιο τρόπο, με παρηγορούσε που I had my bed to myself again.

Past tense.

Γιατί σιγά σιγά συνειδητοποιώ πόσο δεν μου αρέσει να κοιμάμαι πια μόνη μου. Κατακρίβεια, πόσο δεν μου αρέσει να ξυπνάω μόνη μου. Και τις καθημερινές δεν το πολυκαταλαβαίνω, αλλά on the weekends... God, that silence in the house, it borderlines heartbreaking.

Δεν μου λείπει ο Ταύρος. Άμα τελείωσει για μένα κάτι, τέλειωσε και πάει. I just miss the intimacy we shared. Που για μένα είναι ίσως το πιο όμορφο και sexy πράγμα που μπορεί να έχεις σε μια σχέση, με έναν άνθρωπο. Ίσως το βλέπω έτσι επειδή έχω κάποια intimacy issues, δεν μου αρέσει να με αγγίζουν -από κοριτσάκι, δεν κρατούσα ούτε το χέρι της μάνας μου- επομένως για να φτάσω σε αυτό το intimate σημείο με ένα άνθρωπο για μένα is a big deal.

My friends που με ξέρουν inside out, tell me that I'm keeping up well. I think the only thing I'm keeping up well is my Cosmo glass -straight up!- and my sarcastic sense of humor. Αυτοί που δεν με ξέρουν καλά μου λένε ότι φαίνομαι πιο ήρεμη από ποτέ. Yeah, I suppose he had to go.

Και it feels weird, γιατί it was a clean cut. No collateral damage, no things lingering, just a clear cut, cut. Like glass cutting glass. Clean cut. Lean, smooth cut.

I don't miss him. I just miss that feeling of being loved. To intimacy. Αυτό είναι που μου λείπει παραπάνω.

Ghosts of Months Past

Last New Years I hosted a party at my house. By the early morning, I was sitting on the floor in my sparkly party dress with one of my best friends, each clutching a bottle of champagne, laughing endlessly and making plans.

I really believed 2013 would be that year. The kind of year that changes you, that has all those wonderful things happening to you. The year that makes dreams come true.

Για αλλού ξεκίνησα, αλλού με πήγε ο δρόμος και αλλού κατέληξα. I feel sorry for all those grapes that sacrificed themselves to make that fine sparkly wine I so gladly consumed that night.

No, my project failed to launch. And it was disappointing. All that hard work, not down the drain, but locked securely in my desk. Collecting dust and other particles.

No, I didn't have a blast in Vegas on my birthday. Instead, έμεινα εδώ και χόρεψα ζεμπέκικο and drank my sorry ass silly to forget my heartache.

No, Prince Charming did not come along. I thought he did but turns out, he was too charming too keep his hands and dick to himself. And I was too hopeful stupid to believe otherwise.

Unfortunately, 2013 was more tears than laughter, and that's the saddest part. However, δεν μπορώ να τα ισοπεδώσω όλα, γιατί it brought me things I never even considered.

A job opportunity I was reluctant to take, because I feared I couldn't do it. And I pulled it through with flying colors.

An emotionally horrible summer to put things into perspective and see who my real friends are.

A long -and much needed- trip  journey away from everything and everyone. A big 'fuck you' in my face, to my life, to everything that was familiar to me. And I just took the plunge -even after a lot of doubt and consideration- and never looked back.

And I came back. And even though everything was the same, I could no longer see it that way. Because I changed. Everything feels so tragically linear and I feel different.

And unlike last New Years and every other New Years before that, I really don't know what I want to expect for 2014. There is no plan this time. There are no wants. No dreams. No resolutions. Maybe I got up on the wrong side of the bed today. Maybe I'm no longer bothered. Maybe I'm just scared to admit that it's done. This place, this life, these people, done.Scared to admit that it has been for a while and I'm just realizing it. Coming to terms with it.

I just want to hear dirty sexy saxophone music, close my eyes and dance in the rain. And I don't expect the majority of people to understand.

Talk Dirty To Me

Now go out there and make this day worthwhile.

Tinkerbell 7.0.4.

*deeeeeeeeeeep breath*

Nope, I'm not pissed off. Nope, I'm not fuming. I'm just taking a deeeeeeep breath because it feels good.

Simple isn't it? To be happy? Content? Positive? But could we ever be just that? Happy, content and positive, with all that ego going around inside us, eating us inside out? Hanging onto things that tarnish us, people that suck the love out of us. How could we ever be happy, content and positive when we put ourselves through hell just for our ego, to just be fucking right?

Στον μεγάλο μου περίπατο εντόπισα πολλά λάθη μου. Εντοπίζω ακόμα. Είπα πως δεν θέλω να είμαι πια αυτό το πλάσμα. I don't want to do that anymore. Είμαι πολύ εγωίστρια and half the not nice things that happened to me, I think I brought them on myself. Because of my ego. Because I couldn't let go. Because I couldn't not be right.

I don't wanna be that person anymore, I wanna be happy. Go all Buhdish or something. Because στον μεγάλο μου περίπατο, I made me happy with nothing. With noone. And I physically and mentally survived. Επομένως, αν κάτι ή κάποιος με χαλάει, and I try to fix it but it somehow still won't work, maybe I should let it go, όσο κι αν πονάει.

And that's what I did. I let go of things. I let go of people. Situations. Even feelings, if they offered more crappy stuff than pleasure.

I simply cannot do that to myself anymore. I don't want to do that to myself anymore.

I feel.... upgraded. Refreshed. Or is it rebooted? Restored to an earlier state, before things rubbed off on me?

I'm trying different things. New things. I'm sleeping better. I look younger, calmer. I am calmer. And I try to find joy in the little bits and moments. I am making an effort with the people I have chosen to include in my life. I still bite my tongue with those I have dismissed from my life because -damn that ego of mine!- I'm human and some things hurt and bother me, but I will not allow anyone, or anything, suck me into misery. Their misery.

*deeeeeeeeeeep breath*

It's only gonna get better. Once you realize. Once you understand. Once you figure it out. Yeah.

Standing Tall

I know how it sounds, but my shoes make me feel better. Think of it as an adult -and quite pricey- safety blanket. They give me confidence, they make me feel sexy; it's like psychotherapy in 3 steps.

But we need to get to the bottom of this, to the heart of the matter.

So I kick of my shoes.

I'm barefoot.

I shed off my confident shield and show you how vulnerable I can actually be. To the point where you can actually break me.

And I ask.

"Can I trust you?"

I've never stood taller in my life.

Merry-Go-Round

One ticket. Three suitcases. One little fairy.

Αναγνωρίζω ότι επιστρέφοντας, θα μπω σε μια κοινωνία όπου η αγένεια υπερέχει της ευγένειας, η πλειοψηφία των ανθρώπων είναι loud (and I don't mean that in a nice way) και η οποιαδήποτε προσπάθεια μου να εξηγήσω σε κάποιον τι ακριβώς εννοώ, θα πέσει στο κενό.

Αναγνωρίζω επίσης ότι I put my life on hold και με την επιστροφή μου, κάποια πράγματα δεν θα είναι τα ίδια. Άλλα πάλι, θα είναι ακριβώς τα ίδια. Αναγνωρίζω ότι θα έχω να αντιμετωπίσω ένα μικροχάος, I might have some explaining to do and I'll definitely have a shitload of laundry to do.

Νιώθω την ανάγκη να απομακρυνθώ από κάποιους και με άλλους να έρθω πιο κοντά.

Αποφάσισα να μην καπνίζω μέσα στο σπίτι.

I need to get a bigger bookcase.

And a bigger closet.

Ένιωθα κάτι νωρίτερα, μια αναστάτωση μες την ψυχή μου, as if I couldn't breathe. Μην είναι το realization ότι the party's over and I have to go back to (my) realities? Μην είναι η έκλειψη και ο ανάδρομος Ερμής? Μην είναι να έχω παλαβώσει εντελώς και αρνούμαι πεισματικά να συνέλθω?

Ό,τι κι αν είναι, it's there; it's real and I'm coming to terms with it.

Η αλήθεια είναι ότι γενικώς έχω ηρεμήσει πολύ, έχω αγαπήσει πάλι τον εαυτό μου, I made myself proud actually και θέλω να πιστεύω ότι μπαίνω σε νέα πορεία, νέα φάση της ζωής μου, καλύτερη, πιο όμορφη, πιο γεμάτη.

Αλλά ξέρεις τι σκεφτόμουν πολύ τις τελευταίες βδομάδες? What is home? Αυτό σκέφτομαι. Eίναι το μέρος όπου γεννήθηκες? Εκεί που είναι το σπίτι σου? Είναι, το σπίτι σου? Εκεί όπου είναι η οικογένεια σου, οι φίλοι σου? Εκεί που νιώθεις πιο άνετα?

What is home?

Honestly? I still don't know. When I say home, I mean either one of two things. So maybe home can be more than just one thing? One place?

Όλο αυτό το διάστημα ένιωθα ότι ήμουν σε καρουζέλ. Ένα τεράστιο, όμορφο και φωτεινό merry-go-round και μόλις τέλειωνε, έδινα άλλο ένα φλουρί και ξανάβγαινα. Και δεν το χόρταινα.

Αλλά όσο ωραίο κι αν είναι κάτι, άμα δεν αλλάζει, δεν κάνει evolve αργά ή γρήγορα θα σε κουράσει. So I'm done going round in circles. Και κατέβηκα από το καρουζέλ.

And now I'm all about walking straight ahead. Λίγο ζαλισμένη μεν, αλλά definitely straight ahead.