Μικροανασκόπηση

Επιχειρώ.

Παίζει να'ναι το πρώτο post που επιχειρώ να γράψω χωρίς τσιγάρο.

Ναι. Προσπαθώ να το κόψω.

Μεγάλη πίκρα. Δυσκολάκι. Αλλά μου βγήκε ένα πρωινό, ότι δε θέλω πια να καπνίζω τσιγάρα. Να είναι η ζωή μου συνώνυμο με αυτό.

Μεγάλη όμως η δοκιμασία.

Κάτι έχω πάθει τελευταία, το έχεις προσέξει δεν είναι?

Λίγες μέρες πριν τις γιορτές. Οι οποίες δεν θα είναι όπως τις άλλες. Θα είναι διαφορετικές αυτές, δε γίνεται αλλιώς και δεν είναι στο χέρι μου.

Κοίτα να δεις, που πριν φύγει το 2015 θα μου αλλάξει τα φώτα.

Δεν το λέω παραπονιάρικα.

Αντιθέτως.

Έπαιξε πολύ ωρίμανση φέτος.

Ακάλεστη. Αλλά καλοδεχούμενη.

*θέλω τσιγάρο*

Καπνίζω αυτή τη μαλακία, το ηλεκτρονικό, που έχει καλύτερη γεύση και δε βρωμάει, αλλά γαμώτο, καμιά φορά το πεθυμώ τόσο πολύ.

Κυρίως αυτό το feeling, αυτό το pleasure που μου πρόσφερε.

Κάποτε.

Γιατί τελευταία, ούτε αυτό δεν το πετύχαινε.

Τι λέω τόσο καιρό? Για πράγματα, feelings και καταστάσεις που δεν είναι πια τα ίδια και δεν σου προσφέρουν πια την ίδια απόλαυση?

Ναι, αυτό είναι. Αυτή είναι η λέξη: απόλαυση.

Τι απολαμβάνεις? Τι χαίρεσαι? Και τι σου δίνει πια τόση μεγάλη χαρά?

Έχεις απαντήσεις σε αυτά?

Ή ακόμα καλύτερα, τα έχεις αυτά?

Και κυρίως, κοιμάσαι ήσυχα τα βράδια?

Επιχειρώ να δίνω καταφατικές απαντήσεις σε όλα αυτά τα ερωτήματα. Προσπαθώ να βρώ το δρόμο μου. Τη χαρά μου. Τρόπους να διατηρώ την ηρεμία μου και να βελτιώσω τη ποιότητα της ζωής μου.

The race is long.

Αλλά δε φοβάμαι.

Καλή βδομάδα σας εύχομαι. Και να είστε καλά όπου κι αν σας πετυχαίνω.

I Am...

...tired of being inertia in human form. Stuck. I had to snap out of it.

...changing that by starting with myself. Working on myself. Digging deep and cutting it all out.

...getting better. Although it feels like getting worse at first, eventually it starts to make sense.

...learning my self. What has the past taught me, carved me into? And how have I progressed into someone better?

...realizing what I want. It usually starts with what you don't want and in a delicate dance of elimination, you take it from there.

...working towards my goals. Slowly, but with loyalty and dedication. No bullshitting. No negative thoughts. My eye is on the prize.

...stronger. Happier. Calmer. Confident.

...so over this shit it would blow your mind. And although I'm still a work in progress, I am, in a way...

...free

You.

Δε σε σκέφτομαι συχνά, μα όταν η πόλη είναι άδεια, τα βράδια μυρίζει το άρωμά σου.

Baby, it was real.

And we were the best.

Another Chance

I'm coming from a different place now.

I had reached a point where my sadness, bitterness, anger, got the best of me. So much, that I almost identified with that and it was rotting me inside out.

I really can't put my finger on the exact moment or cause, but I just told myself I had to snap out of it.

Going home, helped. A lot.

But after I returned I had to keep it up. Life coaching, confession, therapy, aura cleansing, you name it, I've done it.

And I've managed to reach that magical inner peace you find in "here and now".

It's almost as if I reset myself to my default settings. I've made a cautious decision to let go of all the negative feelings and emotions people and situations have caused me. And in the cases I could not let go of that negativity, I actively turned that into something positive.

I almost feel naive.

But it's alright.

This pained ego, this need to constantly be right and paid back when wronged, has proved too much of a burden to keep holding onto and carrying around with me.

I let go.

I love you but your burdens are your burdens and I hope you find the light and strength within you to carry them but I simply cannot do that for you anymore.

It pained me what you did, how you did not treat me nicely but I forgive you with all my heart and wish you well.

I no longer want to be bitter so please stop trying to feed off me. I can no longer tolerate parasitic relationships and situations in my life.

Done.

What has happened, has happened and is gone and done. And the hardest part was forgiving myself for it. But it's done. So peace has to be made.

As for the future? I don't know. I'm not exactly positive or optimistic about it. I'm not quite sure  I contemplate it really.

I'm just here. Now.

Like, right now.

And I'm alright.

Hollow-ween

Halloween.

It's not about trick or treating. It's not about dressing up.

It's about remembering.

Those who came before us and are now gone.

What passed and is now gone.

When I get a new book in my hands, I break its back. Open it wide and then inspect the crack in its spine.

I'll flip the pages and bury my face in them, breathing in the scent of ink and recycled paper.

I sometimes even fold the corner of a page.

I don't mind if I scratch my furniture and it's alright if they get dusty from time to time.

I wear expensive shoes when I drive my car and it doesn't matter if the heels get some scuffs.

It's okay if my necklace is missing a bead or two or if my tights have a tear.

Things are made to be used.

People are made to be loved.

I Wanna See You.

After everything that has been said.

And done.

Maybe even undone.

You reach a point, a day, a night.

Your love, your longing, your essence is greater than the shit, the anger, the I'm-not-sure-it-even-matters-anymore.

My white flag was up and flying in the air.

Yours was up for a while now but my anger, my ego, my pain would not let me surrender.

But...

I. Can't. Help. Myself.

So we happen to see each other.

Out of the blue.

God you're a sight for sore eyes.

And my heart's not pounding, not throbbing against my chest but fluttering with joy and pride. Cause there you are and fuck you, you little piece of shit, I still love you.

And then you see me and you break into one of those smiles, my smiles, the inner smiles, I know, I saw your eyes, smiling along with your mouth.

And it's like it never happened.

We smile to each other so genuinely as if nothing ever came between us.

That moment how you put your arms around me again.

And I effortlessly let you.

Who cares who and how many were there.

We were there and it was enough.

That moment.

When we meshed into each other, lingering in each others existence, as if time had stopped and everything around us had slowed down.

After so long.

We still owe each other a dance.