Days Go By

I put my face in the water. I love how the sounds get muffled. How all you see is blurry blue. A while later I have to face the world again. I gasp for air and then put my head back in the water. But it's not good enough.  I eventually immerse myself completely in the water. Feet, knees, groin, waist, chest, neck and finally my head. I sink as far as I can go; I look up and the world seems so blurry and far far away. It's quiet down here. Wet -that's for sure!- but so quiet. You can't even tell I'm crying.

I feel as if I'm underwater lately. Holding my breath. Κινήσεις νωχελικές. Χωρίς ιδιαίτερη προσπάθεια. Κι απλώς υπάρχεις, επιπλέεις, χωρίς σκοπό ή κατεύθυνση.

I've been to my crying room a lot lately. I'm tired. This sadness seems to emerge from inside of me, oozing out of my pores. Engulfing me. Παλιές πληγές άνοιξαν, νιώθω ότι σταμάτησε ο χρόνος κατά κάποιο τρόπο, ή τουλάχιστον για μένα πάγωσε, έμεινε σε μια ημερομηνία και ό,τι μεσολάβησε από εκείνη τη μέρα μέχρι τώρα είναι... τίποτα. I'm underwater. I'm not sinking. I'm not drowning. I'm simply on hold. Of what, I do not know. I'm lingering and I hate it.

That's how days go by for me lately. They just go by. Τρόμαξα όταν είδα την ημερομηνία σήμερα. Έμεινα κάπου στο Μάιο εγώ. Δεν έχω απαντήσεις σε τίποτα, δεν ξέρω τίποτα, δεν ξέρω κιόλας τι να περιμένω. I can't sleep, and when I do, I wake up in the middle of the night.

I'm underwater.

And then comes today. A day that brought a 'yes'. A day that I got accepted. A dream I had is coming true. And. I. Can't. Feel. It.

It's right there, staring at me with all its glory, I've wanted this, worked hard for it, it validates me and proves I'm worth of something and I can't feel it. Σχεδόν δεν χάρηκα, όχι γιατί δεν το θέλω αλλά γιατί I'm feeling so lousy lately. So sad. Disappointed actually.

I'm underwater. Days go by and I'm underwater.

But this will be the day I got accepted. I'm making bubbles underwater. I'm sure I'll be feeling it once I come out for air.