Secret Smile

A lover knows only humility, he has no choice.
He steals into your alley at night, he has no choice.
He longs to kiss every lock of your hair, don't fret,
he has no choice.
In his frenzied love for you, he longs to break the chains of his imprisonment,
he has no choice.
A lover asked his beloved:
Do you love yourself more than you love me?
Beloved replied: I have died to myself and I live for you.
I've disappeared from myself and my attributes,
I am present only for you.
I've forgotten all my learning,
but from knowing you I've become a scholar.
I've lost all my strength, but from your power I am able.
I love myself...I love you.
I love you...I love myself.
I am your lover, come to my side,
I will open the gate to your love.
Come settle with me, let us be neighbors to the stars.
You have been hiding so long, endlessly drifting in the sea of my love.
Even so, you have always been connected to me.
Concealed, revealed, in the unknown, in the un-manifest.
I am life itself.
You have been a prisoner of a little pond,
I am the ocean and its turbulent flood.
Come merge with me,
leave this world of ignorance.
Be with me, I will open the gate to your love.
I desire you more than food or drink
My body my senses my mind hunger for your taste
I can sense your presence in my heart
although you belong to all the world
I wait with silent passion for one gesture one glance
from you.


That indescribable feeling of serenity... laying in your arms.... for hours stroking each other. Feeling your warmth. Hearing your heart beat. Breathing in your smell.

Your calm voice in the dark. My fingertips on your lips. You holding me so close to you. Saying something to me that made me smile from within.

You always liked my shoes.

 And that's how I know that I was there.

What's Up With Hopping Happiness?

Λένε πως οι φίλοι φαίνονται στα δύσκολα. True... Δεν θα το αντικρούσω απαραίτητα. Αλλά πιστεύω ότι στα ωραία είναι που βλέπεις ποιοι είναι πραγματικά φίλοι σου. Ή τουλάχιστον, ποιανών τα συναισθηματικά κενά είναι πλήρη ή μικρά. Επειδή τις πλείστες φορές, είναι τρομακτικά δύσκολο να χαρείς πραγματικά και ουσιαστικά για τον άλλο, αν δεν ενδιαφέρεσαι πραγματικά για αυτόν.

Βλέποντας τα πράγματα απ' την απ'έξω, είχα την ευκαιρία να δω το μέσα μου. Ή να ξεκαθαρίσει μάλλον το μέσα μου. Who am I really? What am I really like? What is that person to me and what do I want?

Και διαπιστώνω ότι είχα τοποθετήσει την ευτυχία μου -ή την επιθυμία της ευτυχίας- σε πράγματα έξω από μένα. I lingered and waited for happiness and forgot how to be happy with myself. I placed my happiness in his hands and waited for the magic to begin. And if the magic doesn't happen, will I be bitter? And if so, will I be bitter because of him, or because of me? Που δεν κάλυψε το συναισθηματικό μου κενό?

Και τώρα, διαπιστώνω ότι -ενώ ναι, I do have feelings for this person- οφείλω να είμαι πιο δίκαιη με τον εαυτό μου. I gotta give me some credit. I'm not too bad. I'm actually fun. And funny. And easygoing and strong. And I have a lot to offer to a person. And I have a lot of shoes. That won't change because of him; these facts about me are not real because of him. This is who I am.

Έτσι, ενώ I was hopping down another street yesterday, σταμάτησα for a moment και σκέφτηκα ότι it would be great if he was here, right here right now, with me. Αλλά άναψα τσιγάρο και σκέφτηκα ότι I'm not too bad myself either.

Δεν λέω ότι δεν έχω ανάγκη κανένα και προτιμώ να είμαι alone και πως τα 'εχω όλα υπό έλεγχο. Απεναντίας! Απλώς χρωστούσα στον εαυτό μου a slap across the face, to remind myself of what I'm worth. That happiness is a state of feeling content.

And if someone wants to hop down the street with me, well... that would be awesome too.

 

Exiting The Comfort Zone

What would you rather be? The big fish in the small bowl or a small fish in the ocean?

I've been asking myself a lot of things recently. More like, rhetorical questions, considering I have no answers, or even the slightest idea on how to reach anything remotely close to a decent answer.

There were questions, self doubt, tears, feelings of being scared climaxing at times to a state of panic. And then I was on a plane and I was okay. Completely calm and composed. Still no idea on where I'm heading to, what I'm gonna face and how, but I was calm and composed and not on any prescription pills.

It hit me yesterday. But in a good way. I was walking down the street and all of a sudden, I grin at myself. Cause I'm looking around me and it feels so surreal; I actually did it. I said 'fuck it all' and jumped out of my comfort zone. Not without a price. But damn it felt good.

I've got a lot to figure out. Right now, I'm rediscovering me. Maybe this was long overdue; maybe I owed it to myself. Maybe I was just ready for it now. Maybe the timing was simply suitable now. The point is; I have a lot to think about. A lot to realize and discover about myself. Where do I want to go from here? Have I been on the right path? Is this what I want my life to be like in 5 years, lets say? I'm at a crossroad; and I have no idea where I want to go. And I'm hoping I'll discover it soon.

I've been battling with feelings of not-being-good-enough for a very long time. I guess I'm trying to prove myself, to myself?  Is it my need to regain my faith, my respect in myself? I just know that I'd hate myself if I chickened out and didn't do it. And trust me, I was thiiiiiiis close to doing exactly that, more times than I'd like to admit.

Some were supportive. Others were not. My own father plastered me with doubts -but he got over that. Some were curious. Border lining 3rd degree questioning. Others were indifferent. But the ones that mattered, were happy for me -my dad included.

As for me? I still don't know. But I do know that I haven't hopped in the street in a really long time. Happy danced in my kitchen in a really long time. And grinned at myself on an idle Saturday afternoon while walking down the street.

Something's gotta give eh?

Καλή βδομάδα.