Exiting The Comfort Zone

What would you rather be? The big fish in the small bowl or a small fish in the ocean?

I've been asking myself a lot of things recently. More like, rhetorical questions, considering I have no answers, or even the slightest idea on how to reach anything remotely close to a decent answer.

There were questions, self doubt, tears, feelings of being scared climaxing at times to a state of panic. And then I was on a plane and I was okay. Completely calm and composed. Still no idea on where I'm heading to, what I'm gonna face and how, but I was calm and composed and not on any prescription pills.

It hit me yesterday. But in a good way. I was walking down the street and all of a sudden, I grin at myself. Cause I'm looking around me and it feels so surreal; I actually did it. I said 'fuck it all' and jumped out of my comfort zone. Not without a price. But damn it felt good.

I've got a lot to figure out. Right now, I'm rediscovering me. Maybe this was long overdue; maybe I owed it to myself. Maybe I was just ready for it now. Maybe the timing was simply suitable now. The point is; I have a lot to think about. A lot to realize and discover about myself. Where do I want to go from here? Have I been on the right path? Is this what I want my life to be like in 5 years, lets say? I'm at a crossroad; and I have no idea where I want to go. And I'm hoping I'll discover it soon.

I've been battling with feelings of not-being-good-enough for a very long time. I guess I'm trying to prove myself, to myself?  Is it my need to regain my faith, my respect in myself? I just know that I'd hate myself if I chickened out and didn't do it. And trust me, I was thiiiiiiis close to doing exactly that, more times than I'd like to admit.

Some were supportive. Others were not. My own father plastered me with doubts -but he got over that. Some were curious. Border lining 3rd degree questioning. Others were indifferent. But the ones that mattered, were happy for me -my dad included.

As for me? I still don't know. But I do know that I haven't hopped in the street in a really long time. Happy danced in my kitchen in a really long time. And grinned at myself on an idle Saturday afternoon while walking down the street.

Something's gotta give eh?

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