Your love, your longing, your essence is greater than the shit, the anger, the I'm-not-sure-it-even-matters-anymore.
My white flag was up and flying in the air.
Yours was up for a while now but my anger, my ego, my pain would not let me surrender.
But...
I. Can't. Help. Myself.
So we happen to see each other.
Out of the blue.
God you're a sight for sore eyes.
And my heart's not pounding, not throbbing against my chest but fluttering with joy and pride. Cause there you are and fuck you, you little piece of shit, I still love you.
And then you see me and you break into one of those smiles, my smiles, the inner smiles, I know, I saw your eyes, smiling along with your mouth.
And it's like it never happened.
We smile to each other so genuinely as if nothing ever came between us.
That moment how you put your arms around me again.
And I effortlessly let you.
Who cares who and how many were there.
We were there and it was enough.
That moment.
When we meshed into each other, lingering in each others existence, as if time had stopped and everything around us had slowed down.
After a really long time I found myself alone in a movie theater.
I got my bag and my pretty shoes and drove to the movies, got myself a ticket and sat there.
There is no such mental freedom as sitting alone in a dark room and being content. For a while.
Willingly alone.
Unwillingly lonely.
Haven't done that in years.
There is no thinking in a dark room, while another story is unfolding in front of you. You disconnect from the world, your world, yourself. I needed that. I need that.
I have become that.
I lost my little girl yesterday. And it broke my heart in such a profound way. I'm already a little sensitive to loss and I really didn't need that.
I had her as a kitten and it broke my heart. What's left of it really.
Because I got her after you were gone, she was my companion, my fuzzball, my little four legged love and now you're gone; you have been gone for a while actually, and now she's gone too and I don't understand. Cause it feels really messed up.
And then, in the middle of the night, you drive up to a place that feels remotely familiar and you sit on the side of the street and just fucking pour your heart out, can't breathe through the sobs and noone knows you're there, just a shadow in the dark crying out all the pain that I thought was long gone and lost.
And yet still there.
Still present.
Still sharp as a knife and cold as ice.
And now I'm angry and sad and bitter.
And if I had enough money I'd probably stage my death and disappear.
The abrupt waking in the middle of the night and staring at the ceiling while desperately wanting a cigarette.
But too messed up to even get up.
Waking up in the middle of the night from such an intense fucked up dream and you lay in bed staring at the ceiling thinking about ... nothing really.
Just "fuck".
So I'm supposedly on a roof, and I wanna sit on the edge.
But I slip.
I see the street bellow, cars and people are coming and going, and I slip and can't even grab onto anything.
So, I'm falling.
And I realize that I'm falling to my death, that, this is it Tinks, damn such a fucked up way to go, didn't even plan it to be this way, such a shame.
And as I'm falling, I am completely calm. No panic, no fear, nothing. Content that I'm gonna die, even though in such a pathetic way, by slipping from a roof of an apartment building, I mean how pathetic man, but it's happening and I'll be a distant memory pretty soon and there's no stopping it. I'm already falling.
People from the street below have noticed me; I can hear their shrieks and cries of concern and shock, but I'm completely calm. Calm down guys, nothing to do now, it was an accident, just look away, it'll probably get messy.
And all of a sudden, as I am -peculiarly- gracefully falling to my death, there's someone there falling with me. A guy. Holding my hand. But he's afraid. I hear him mumbling, oh boy, oh God, no, and I feel his grip tightening on my hand.
Peculiarly, it calms me further.
By now, the ground is so close, I know it's coming, I just hope it doesn't hurt and just knocks me out instantly, and yet I reach the ground standing up.
I literally, fall to my death, standing on my two feet.
But wait, I didn't die?
I'm literally standing on my two feet -can't remember if I'm in heels- after falling from that high up, and people are looking at me amazed and shocked.
I feel no pain, nothing in particular.
And I'm alive.
And I just... walk away.
Literally.
And I wake up startled and lay in bed, my body in pain and my mind a complete blank.
I saw you that night.
And it fucked me up. More than I like to admit and I hate myself for it.
He fixes his gaze on my face; he looks at me with those piercing blue eyes, straight in the eye, while his back stiffens and his neck kinda tightens up.
I understand he is serious.
He actually earns a little more of my respect.
I lean forward. I'm not intimidated by his cool exterior. Ι return the penetrating gaze.
"You have no idea what you're getting into", I say.
He sits back in his chair, slightly tilts his head and gives me a side look, grinning, as if he's sizing me up.
"There's just something about you kid" he says.
You might be the iceberg blue eyes, but you have no idea how deep I run, I think to myself as I bite into my drinks ice cube.
