Hello Lonely

After a really long time I found myself alone in a movie theater.

I got my bag and my pretty shoes and drove to the movies, got myself a ticket and sat there.

There is no such mental freedom as sitting alone in a dark room and being content. For a while.

Willingly alone.

Unwillingly lonely.

Haven't done that in years.

There is no thinking in a dark room, while another story is unfolding in front of you. You disconnect from the world, your world, yourself. I needed that. I need that.

I have become that.

I lost my little girl yesterday. And it broke my heart in such a profound way. I'm already a little sensitive to loss and I really didn't need that.

I had her as a kitten and it broke my heart. What's left of it really.

Because I got her after you were gone, she was my companion, my fuzzball, my little four legged love and now you're gone; you have been gone for a while actually, and now she's gone too and I don't understand. Cause it feels really messed up.

And then, in the middle of the night, you drive up to a place that feels remotely familiar and you sit on the side of the street and just fucking pour your heart out, can't breathe through the sobs and noone knows you're there, just a shadow in the dark crying out all the pain that I thought was long gone and lost.

And yet still there.

Still present.

Still sharp as a knife and cold as ice.

And now I'm angry and sad and bitter.

And if I had enough money I'd probably stage my death and disappear.

I'm that tired.