Hello Lonely

After a really long time I found myself alone in a movie theater.

I got my bag and my pretty shoes and drove to the movies, got myself a ticket and sat there.

There is no such mental freedom as sitting alone in a dark room and being content. For a while.

Willingly alone.

Unwillingly lonely.

Haven't done that in years.

There is no thinking in a dark room, while another story is unfolding in front of you. You disconnect from the world, your world, yourself. I needed that. I need that.

I have become that.

I lost my little girl yesterday. And it broke my heart in such a profound way. I'm already a little sensitive to loss and I really didn't need that.

I had her as a kitten and it broke my heart. What's left of it really.

Because I got her after you were gone, she was my companion, my fuzzball, my little four legged love and now you're gone; you have been gone for a while actually, and now she's gone too and I don't understand. Cause it feels really messed up.

And then, in the middle of the night, you drive up to a place that feels remotely familiar and you sit on the side of the street and just fucking pour your heart out, can't breathe through the sobs and noone knows you're there, just a shadow in the dark crying out all the pain that I thought was long gone and lost.

And yet still there.

Still present.

Still sharp as a knife and cold as ice.

And now I'm angry and sad and bitter.

And if I had enough money I'd probably stage my death and disappear.

I'm that tired.

Falling Away

It's been a while since this last happened.

The abrupt waking in the middle of the night and staring at the ceiling while desperately wanting a cigarette.

But too messed up to even get up.

Waking up in the middle of the night from such an intense fucked up dream and you lay in bed staring at the ceiling thinking about ... nothing really.

Just "fuck".

So I'm supposedly on a roof, and I wanna sit on the edge.

But I slip.

I see the street bellow, cars and people are coming and going, and I slip and can't even grab onto anything.

So, I'm falling.

And I realize that I'm falling to my death, that, this is it Tinks, damn such a fucked up way to go, didn't even plan it to be this way, such a shame.

And as I'm falling, I am completely calm. No panic, no fear, nothing. Content that I'm gonna die, even though in such a pathetic way, by slipping from a roof of an apartment building, I mean how pathetic man, but it's happening and I'll be a distant memory pretty soon and there's no stopping it. I'm already falling.

People from the street below have noticed me; I can hear their shrieks and cries of concern and shock, but I'm completely calm. Calm down guys, nothing to do now, it was an accident, just look away, it'll probably get messy.

And all of a sudden, as I am -peculiarly- gracefully falling to my death, there's someone there falling with me. A guy. Holding my hand. But he's afraid. I hear him mumbling, oh boy, oh God, no, and I feel his grip tightening on my hand.

Peculiarly, it calms me further.

By now, the ground is so close, I know it's coming, I just hope it doesn't hurt and just knocks me out instantly, and yet I reach the ground standing up.

I literally, fall to my death, standing on my two feet.

But wait, I didn't die?

I'm literally standing on my two feet -can't remember if I'm in heels- after falling from that high up, and people are looking at me amazed and shocked.

I feel no pain, nothing in particular.

And I'm alive.

And I just... walk away.

Literally.

And I wake up startled and lay in bed, my body in pain and my mind a complete blank.

I saw you that night.

And it fucked me up. More than I like to admit and I hate myself for it.

Blue Eyes

"I'm an iceberg", he says. "Impenetrable."

He fixes his gaze on my face; he looks at me with those piercing blue eyes, straight in the eye, while his back stiffens and his neck kinda tightens up.

I understand he is serious.

He actually earns a little more of my respect.

I lean forward. I'm not intimidated by his cool exterior. Ι return the penetrating gaze.

"You have no idea what you're getting into", I say.

He sits back in his chair, slightly tilts his head and gives me a side look, grinning, as if he's sizing me up.

"There's just something about you kid" he says.

You might be the iceberg blue eyes, but you have no idea how deep I run, I think to myself as I bite into my drinks ice cube.

Oh Misty Eyes

It's been...

Hm.

What has it been?

This past couple of months.?

In a word?

Cleansing.

Mainly.

It really helped me, you know, going home, leaving here, and everyone that here consists of.

I found me, my heart, my soul, my fucking breath there; home, my place, where the soil smells familiar and social decency and manners come with the territory.

It's like I picked up myself and put me back together. As if my spirit was left there; sitting on the sidewalk and I had to go and get me back.

I came back a different person.

Or rather, the person I used to be.

I decided I'm gonna make that childhood dream of mine come true. I don't know how; I just know I'm gonna do it. I have to do it. The only reason I haven't done it so far is because somewhere along the line, I stopped believing that I was capable enough.

But something happened; something clicked, maybe I just lost my mind and I decided I'm insane enough now to just go out there and do it.

I've thought and worked a lot on forgiveness. Him. I removed bits and bits, millions of pieces of him that were scattered in my mind, my soul, my cunt, my eyes, my brain, my heart, my arms, tiny pieces of him everywhere on me, in me. And instead of wanting to lash out at him and tear him to pieces, to match my pieces, what he left of me, I think I'm growing in a more healthy and compassionate manner and I actually feel that I might be ready to look him in the eye and say 'I forgive you' and actually mean it.

I said the "no's" I had to without regret, or even worrying about the aftermath; I can no longer live in fear, trying to not upset anyone, but constantly upsetting myself. I was respectful and truthful, and if anyone cannot respect my honesty, well, they can eat shit.

And I won't be losing anymore sleep.

And we've been dealing with something as a family, were mortality looks you in the eye and you cannot but look it right back, it's right there in your face, And you realize, damn, damn it, we are human and things are bound to happen, if not sooner, then later, but damn, it's so hard when you least expect it. And through this, I have realized that I am not ready, I do not know how to cope with loss, I am afraid and I need to get my shit together and be stronger.

Tinks, we're not in Kansas anymore.

So yeah.. It's been...

These past few months?

Liberating.

Scary.

Inspiring.

But cleansing. Mainly.

None.Sense.

It took one picture.

Of a 3 year old.

A drowned 3 year old.

Face down.

In the sand.

To make people realize, or simply just ponder what the hell is going on around us.

I don't know how and if I'll ever get that image out of my head.

Or if the thought of it alone will ever stop giving me goosebumps.

I blame the media. Our ignorance. Our vague knowledge on everything, but on nothing essentially.

I know I can't stop the war.

I know I can't feed all the poor.

I know I can't take away all the sorrow around us.

But for fucks safe, I can, not be a jerk. I can, not be an ignorant indifferent individual. I can be nicer to people. I can help, in itty bitty ways, but imagine my itty bitty ways, combined with yours, and everyone, will make a hell lot of a difference.

Everyone has something to say these days, you see it everyday on your Facebook time line I presume. How the dumbest, illiterate (to say the least) posts get the most attention, where as something that requires common sense and a grain of sentimentality, are just overlooked. It never ceases to impress me. How we have allowed ourselves to be stupefied to the extent where we have lost our moral compass, our sense of humor, our bloody common sense and we are satisfied with whatever is given or available to us.

Because I find that social media paint a rather clear picture of the society you exist in.

And from point of view, it says a lot, but it doesn't say much.

If you catch my drift.

I just wanted to say, that inspite of the jerks, the idiots with the loud but void voices, I still damn believe in the bits of humanity in us, we just have to piece them together, come on, give me a hand here, this cannot be what we have been reduced to. What's left of us. I can't. I don't wanna. Believe.

If you catch my drift.

If not, sorry, my sleepless nights bring the nonsense out of me.

Shiny Disco Ball

Okay, wipe last night's mascara from under your eyes. No more panda eyes for you girl.

Get up. Splash some water on your face.

Throw away those old dirty shoes. The soles are worn, they pinch your feet.

They're not even high enough.

Now, take out that pair. Yeah, you know which one I'm talking about. You've got the legs and the attitude to match.

Considering the size of this place, its exhausts you in unfathomable ways. Maybe it's the people. Maybe it's the mentality.

Maybe they can't understand how you can dance all night under that shiny disco ball in heels.

And do it with a smile.

I Used To Write On Walls

I stood on the familiar corner of whatever and whatever.

Cigarette between my fingers.

I look up at that gorgeous summer night sky.

I bring that cigarette to my lips.

I inhale.

I am where I used to be.

Standing on a familiar corner.

But I breathe you out.

Out.

Out and up and away.

I dropped you in a sea as deep and dark as my soul.

Am I free? I don't know.

But on that very evening, on that very corner I know the very little detail of it, I breathed you out and watched that smoke dissolve into the nothingness of the night.

I'm here again.

Home.

And this time, I didn't keep you with me.

It was unfamiliar.

But soothing at the same time.

I looked up at what used to be my window.

Took that final drag.

And threw you and that cigarette butt away.

I felt lighter walking up the street after that.

And as I meshed into the noise of the street I told myself "Kid, I don't know how, but it's gonna be okay".

And strangely enough, I actually believed it.