Sunday Blues On A Wednesday

I had a bad day.

Okay. Not a bad bad day, but certainly not a good one.

Yeah, this was not a good day.

But I'm hopeful that I'll sleep on it and it will all seem better tomorrow.

All that about being brave and shit? God it feels so so far away from me right now.

Cause right now I feel small, vulnerable and unable to act or react.

*sigh*

*long deep prolonged siiiiiigh*

How do you define yourself? Do you draw confidence, happiness, strength from within you or from what you are in society, from your peers and professional field? Maybe it's a combination of the two. For me at least. Because I am content with myself BUT I also define myself through my profession. My work is directly linked to my drive, my passion, my ego, my sense of being.

So when that kinda hits the rocks, I have an identity crisis.

Or a meltdown.

Oscar Wilde once wrote that 'whenever everyone agrees with me, I feel I must be wrong' and I've always agreed with that. But what happens when some voices are louder than others? Or have a more powerful platform? Are they right? I wonder with dread. Or do they just have a better advantage?

Or I am just kidding myself?

And on this idle Wednesday night (or early Thursday hours), when I'm feeling them Sunday blues as hard as ever, I can't help but wonder; who am I? If all this ended tomorrow, who am I? What do I stand for? What can I do?  And where do I go from here?

And at the end of the day, does it all really have to be such a big deal?

Yeah... I don't know about you but to me, it is a big deal. Cause everyday of my life, I dread of being mediocre.

To me it's worse than being a failure.

And right now... *sigh* Jeez... I don't know. I feel exactly that.