Plug Into The Present

One of my very intelligent border-lining genius professors used to say to us 'Plug into the present'.

Plug into the present? What the hell is this guy talking about?

He used to say 'Plug into the present because that's where the less possible pressure exists'.

*perplexed looks*

It took me a while to understand what this statement was all about. I think it started to hit me when I was in Paris. I was on the Eiffel Tower but I was anxious to go to the Louvre. When I got to the Louvre, I was excited for like 10 minutes and then I wanted to go to Notre Dame. And when I got there, I was like 'Yeah, ok, I'm hungry'. I'm always living in a future situation.It doesn't matter if it's an hour ahead, or months ahead but for crying out loud woman, just stop and look around you NOW.

That's when it first hit me; that mentally, I exist in a place that hasn't come yet. Mentally, I'm always somewhere in the future. Like being in Cyprus but living on Tokyo time.

Which sucks really because apart from the practicality issues that arise, I miss out on here and now, Or rather, I should say 'missed' because now that I have realized it, I'm trying to exist in the 'here and now' and dream/hope/think about the future, but not spoil my present over it.

So yes, my very intelligent border-lining genius professor was really onto something.

So plugging into the present it is. So much, that I literally stop in the middle of the street and take a look around me. When I get worked up thinking about what I have to do tomorrow, I stop and force myself to look around me. Look at the people. The tree. The car that passes by. Look at something that is happening right now.

In doing so, I feel a lot more relaxed. It's like my mind is not working in overdrive anymore. I'm calmer, I sleep better and I'm saying 'fuck it' like I mean it. It's not easy sometimes; I mean I was programmed all my life to be on high speed and always 5 steps ahead. I still think about the future, make plans and dreams and all, but essentially, I don't want to exist there; I want to exist in here and now. Because this is what I'm given and that future I'm planning and dreaming about is definitely not a given. And no matter what amount of planning and dreaming of it, can guarantee it. So what do you do?

You plug into the present.

Breathe it. Feel it. Taste it. Enjoy it.

Secret Smile

A lover knows only humility, he has no choice.
He steals into your alley at night, he has no choice.
He longs to kiss every lock of your hair, don't fret,
he has no choice.
In his frenzied love for you, he longs to break the chains of his imprisonment,
he has no choice.
A lover asked his beloved:
Do you love yourself more than you love me?
Beloved replied: I have died to myself and I live for you.
I've disappeared from myself and my attributes,
I am present only for you.
I've forgotten all my learning,
but from knowing you I've become a scholar.
I've lost all my strength, but from your power I am able.
I love myself...I love you.
I love you...I love myself.
I am your lover, come to my side,
I will open the gate to your love.
Come settle with me, let us be neighbors to the stars.
You have been hiding so long, endlessly drifting in the sea of my love.
Even so, you have always been connected to me.
Concealed, revealed, in the unknown, in the un-manifest.
I am life itself.
You have been a prisoner of a little pond,
I am the ocean and its turbulent flood.
Come merge with me,
leave this world of ignorance.
Be with me, I will open the gate to your love.
I desire you more than food or drink
My body my senses my mind hunger for your taste
I can sense your presence in my heart
although you belong to all the world
I wait with silent passion for one gesture one glance
from you.


That indescribable feeling of serenity... laying in your arms.... for hours stroking each other. Feeling your warmth. Hearing your heart beat. Breathing in your smell.

Your calm voice in the dark. My fingertips on your lips. You holding me so close to you. Saying something to me that made me smile from within.

You always liked my shoes.

 And that's how I know that I was there.

What's Up With Hopping Happiness?

Λένε πως οι φίλοι φαίνονται στα δύσκολα. True... Δεν θα το αντικρούσω απαραίτητα. Αλλά πιστεύω ότι στα ωραία είναι που βλέπεις ποιοι είναι πραγματικά φίλοι σου. Ή τουλάχιστον, ποιανών τα συναισθηματικά κενά είναι πλήρη ή μικρά. Επειδή τις πλείστες φορές, είναι τρομακτικά δύσκολο να χαρείς πραγματικά και ουσιαστικά για τον άλλο, αν δεν ενδιαφέρεσαι πραγματικά για αυτόν.

Βλέποντας τα πράγματα απ' την απ'έξω, είχα την ευκαιρία να δω το μέσα μου. Ή να ξεκαθαρίσει μάλλον το μέσα μου. Who am I really? What am I really like? What is that person to me and what do I want?

Και διαπιστώνω ότι είχα τοποθετήσει την ευτυχία μου -ή την επιθυμία της ευτυχίας- σε πράγματα έξω από μένα. I lingered and waited for happiness and forgot how to be happy with myself. I placed my happiness in his hands and waited for the magic to begin. And if the magic doesn't happen, will I be bitter? And if so, will I be bitter because of him, or because of me? Που δεν κάλυψε το συναισθηματικό μου κενό?

Και τώρα, διαπιστώνω ότι -ενώ ναι, I do have feelings for this person- οφείλω να είμαι πιο δίκαιη με τον εαυτό μου. I gotta give me some credit. I'm not too bad. I'm actually fun. And funny. And easygoing and strong. And I have a lot to offer to a person. And I have a lot of shoes. That won't change because of him; these facts about me are not real because of him. This is who I am.

Έτσι, ενώ I was hopping down another street yesterday, σταμάτησα for a moment και σκέφτηκα ότι it would be great if he was here, right here right now, with me. Αλλά άναψα τσιγάρο και σκέφτηκα ότι I'm not too bad myself either.

Δεν λέω ότι δεν έχω ανάγκη κανένα και προτιμώ να είμαι alone και πως τα 'εχω όλα υπό έλεγχο. Απεναντίας! Απλώς χρωστούσα στον εαυτό μου a slap across the face, to remind myself of what I'm worth. That happiness is a state of feeling content.

And if someone wants to hop down the street with me, well... that would be awesome too.

 

Exiting The Comfort Zone

What would you rather be? The big fish in the small bowl or a small fish in the ocean?

I've been asking myself a lot of things recently. More like, rhetorical questions, considering I have no answers, or even the slightest idea on how to reach anything remotely close to a decent answer.

There were questions, self doubt, tears, feelings of being scared climaxing at times to a state of panic. And then I was on a plane and I was okay. Completely calm and composed. Still no idea on where I'm heading to, what I'm gonna face and how, but I was calm and composed and not on any prescription pills.

It hit me yesterday. But in a good way. I was walking down the street and all of a sudden, I grin at myself. Cause I'm looking around me and it feels so surreal; I actually did it. I said 'fuck it all' and jumped out of my comfort zone. Not without a price. But damn it felt good.

I've got a lot to figure out. Right now, I'm rediscovering me. Maybe this was long overdue; maybe I owed it to myself. Maybe I was just ready for it now. Maybe the timing was simply suitable now. The point is; I have a lot to think about. A lot to realize and discover about myself. Where do I want to go from here? Have I been on the right path? Is this what I want my life to be like in 5 years, lets say? I'm at a crossroad; and I have no idea where I want to go. And I'm hoping I'll discover it soon.

I've been battling with feelings of not-being-good-enough for a very long time. I guess I'm trying to prove myself, to myself?  Is it my need to regain my faith, my respect in myself? I just know that I'd hate myself if I chickened out and didn't do it. And trust me, I was thiiiiiiis close to doing exactly that, more times than I'd like to admit.

Some were supportive. Others were not. My own father plastered me with doubts -but he got over that. Some were curious. Border lining 3rd degree questioning. Others were indifferent. But the ones that mattered, were happy for me -my dad included.

As for me? I still don't know. But I do know that I haven't hopped in the street in a really long time. Happy danced in my kitchen in a really long time. And grinned at myself on an idle Saturday afternoon while walking down the street.

Something's gotta give eh?

Καλή βδομάδα.

Idle Friday

Sitting on my porch... How come I never thought of placing the light like that? I like it like this. It's better, more practical.

Cocktail. Candles. Cigarette. And Massive Attack on repeat.

Just an another day. An idle Friday night.

I slept with my window open last night; it was breezy.

Had my teeth cleaned. And I still can't get over how dentists insist on talking to you, trying to make 'conversation', when you have your mouth wide open.

Just another day?

I hugged my pillow so tight last night because I realized I won't be sleeping in my bed for some time. I love my bed. I'm emotionally attached to it.

I'm sitting on my porch because I won't do that for a while.

I hate August's last weekend; even though this summer passed like a breeze, a sad one, but a breeze nonetheless, I can't think of September without breaking into a cold sweat.

I looked at some pictures. There it was; that little thing in my eye. I could fool you if you don't know me very well; I could fool you so easily. There it was; the sadness. Blink and you'll miss it. Blink and you'll see me smiling again, shining like a new penny. You wouldn't even know. You couldn't. I wouldn't let you. But for a split second, I can't help it, keep it in and twinkle twinkle, there it is.

Idle Friday?

A friend becomes someone that you (thought) you used to know. And another, is just a frenemy. Is it arrogant to think that you're above it all, that you can handle it? That you can manage to keep the appropriate distance? Or plain stupid?

Who am I? What do I want and where do I want to go? Is it silly of me that I'm not as ambitious as I used to be? Maybe I'm too scared nowadays? Persuaded myself that I wouldn't make it anyway? I don't want to make it big, make shitloads of money. I want to be loved. I want a home, not a house.

Would you sacrifice your dreams for the one you love?

A simple text message, a few sentences. Straight from the heart. In all simple honesty. It's not about winning or losing; it's about letting a person know how alive they make you feel. How much at home. At peace. Like, when it's cold outside, your shoes get wet from the rain and your toes are so cold you can't feel them. And then, you come home, you take off your shoes and put on warm socks. That kind of warmth.

Cocktail. Candles. Cigarette. And Massive Attack on repeat.

Just an another day.

Sitting on my porch.

An idle Friday night.

It Takes One Song....

Τις τελευταίες μέρες με απασχολεί αρκετά μια σκέψη: υπάρχει τελικά αυτό που λέμε 'ένστικτο'? Ή μήπως αυτοπροκαλούμε πράγματα στον εαυτό μας?

Πιστεύω πολύ στο ένστικτο. Probably God's way of saying sorry for making us live in such a crummy world. Our gut. Απίστευτο όπλο, defense mechanism, κινητήριος δύναμη θα έλεγα ακόμα.

Κι αν στέκει το concept 'ένστικτο', τότε ακυρώνεται το 'law of attraction'? Ή μήπως είναι το ίδιο πράγμα, μελετώντας το όμως από διαφορετική οπτική γωνιά?

I saw you and I just knew.

Δεν σας έτυχε ποτέ, απλώς να ξέρετε κάτι, να σας το λέει κάτι μέσα σας? Και μετά να γίνει? Άρα, ήταν το ένστικτο μας? Ή μήπως το προκαλέσαμε εμείς στον εαυτό μας, το ελκύσαμε?

Ή μήπως τελικά είναι δύο πολύ διαφορετικά πράγματα, τα οποία λειτουργούν κάτω από διαφορετικές συνθήκες? Το σκέφτομαι, γιατί they feel awfully similar sometimes και είναι δύσκολο να τα διαχωρίσεις: πότε όντως νιώθεις κάτι και πότε απλώς τριπάρεις.

I trust my gut. I love my gut. Ακόμα κι όταν το μήνυμα που μου δίνει δεν είναι αυτό που θέλω, δε με έχει βγάλει ψεύτρα και το αγαπώ for that.

I saw you years ago and I just knew. And now, I understand. I couldn't even imagine back then, but somehow, I knew.

Now, I look at you and I just know again. Or am I just hoping?

I guess we'll have to just wait....and see....and maybe understand again.

It takes only one song, to bring back a thousand memories.

Καλή βδομάδα.

Did You Get To See The Light, Child?

Ήταν πολύ και μεγάλο το soul searching των ημερών. Οι συζητήσεις με φίλους δεν με κάλυπταν. Οι προσωπικές μου σκέψεις και αναλύσεις δεν ήταν αρκετές. I needed something else.

Έτυχε ποτέ, να βρεθείτε κάπου άσχετα, να πιάσετε small talk με κάποιον άγνωστο και να σας λύσει όλες σας τις απορίες χωρίς καν να ρωτήσετε? It happened to me twice αυτές τις μέρες. Και ήταν αυτό ακριβώς που είχα ανάγκη.

Ξέρετε πόση δυστυχία προκαλούμε οι ίδιοι στον εαυτό μας? Μέσα από το άγχος και το self doubt? Θα γίνει αυτό? Θα έρθει εκείνο? Τι θα κάνω αν δεν γίνει το άλλο? Γιατί δεν συμβαίνει αυτό? Fuck, λες και με το να αγχωνόμαστε θα αλλάξει κάτι. Λες και με την εμμονή μας σε αυτό που μας απασχολεί, will change it or make it happen.

It all comes down to believing: believing that things will work out. Μπορεί όχι ακριβώς όπως θα θέλαμε, αλλά σίγουρα για το καλό μας. Αυτό είναι το θέμα μας, νομίζουμε πολλές φορές ότι ξέρουμε τι θέλουμε, τι θα είναι αυτό που θα μας κάνει ευτυχισμένους και αναλωνόμαστε μέσα σε αυτό το στενό πεδίο εγκεφαλικής βολής. Things happen for a reason δεν λένε? Και είναι και κλισέ? Συμβαίνει όμως και το ανάποδο: things don't happen for a reason too.

Αυτό που δυσκολευόμαστε πολλές φορές να αντιληφθούμε -ή να δεχτούμε ακόμα- είναι πως, we don't always know how things will work out. Κάνουμε ένα σενάριο στο μυαλό μας, κοιτάμε το δέντρο και όχι το δάσος. Ίσως να μην μπορούμε κιόλας να δούμε το δάσος. Δεν σας έτυχε ποτέ, to look back at one point in your life, που μπορεί να συνέβη κάτι δυσάρεστο ή κάτι που δεν περιμένατε, και μετά από καιρό να καταλάβατε το γιατί?

Επομένως, αποφάσισα ότι δεν θέλω να βάζω τον εαυτό μου σε -περισσότερες- ψυχοφθόρες διαδικασίες, only to realize later that whatever happened, happened for a reason, and most probably, a good reason. I'll take things as they come. And feel blessed with what I already have.

Που είναι δύσκολο κάποτε, είμαι χοντρά control freak αλλά right now, I need to sit back, and hope that things work out for the best. Δεν σου λέω να γίνεις couch potato και αντιδραστικά άβουλος, απλώς I had a lot of trouble believing. Believing that things will work out for the best.

Φεύγω σύντομα. And God knows how much stress I feel. Αυτό το άγνωστο, πόσο με αγχώνει, πόσο με τρομάζει, σε βαθμό που λέω κάποτε 'Tinks, κάτσε δω, είναι μίζερα μεν, αλλά you know what to expect'. Αλλά για να έρθει αυτό το 'ναι', πάει να πει ότι έχω κάτι να μάθω, ίσως κάτι να κερδίσω από αυτήν την διαδικασία. Το θέμα είναι, πιστεύω ότι μπορώ να τα καταφέρω? Πιστεύω ότι το αξίζω αυτό που συνέβη?

Αυτό ήταν το θέμα μου. Am I worth it?

Ζήτησα συγνώμη. Είπα ευχαριστώ. Είπα I'm happy for you. I made my peace with many many things. Καθάρισα. I gave myself, the best birthday present. And then, interesting things started happening. Things that made me happy and hopeful. Things I longed for, but didn't quite believe that would happen. Not to me.

So I started to see the light. I still do see the dark corners in my mind sometimes -miracles don't happen over night!- but I think I'm on the right track.