Σάββατο, 19 Οκτωβρίου 2013
Then they asked me if I missed them.
I haven't missed anyone.
Don't get me wrong: σκέφτομαι πολύ τους ανθρώπους μου (my parents included) αλλά δεν μου έχει λείψει κανένας. Ή τίποτα. Ή τουλάχιστον, όπως μου έλειπαν πράγματα, καταστάσεις και άτομα last time I packed up and left.
Ο πατέρας μου, μου είπε ότι είναι σημάδι 'of maturity'.
Ή σημάδι της απόλυτης αποκτήνωσης, I suggested. Επειδή, λείπω κάτι παραπάνω από ένα μήνα και η ζωή μου στην Κύπρο μου φαίνεται τόσο μακρινή... τόσο ξένη σχεδόν. Λες και είναι κάτι που είδα σε μια ταινία ή μια ιστορία που άκουσα από κάποιον. It's so weird. Δεν ξέρω πως ακριβώς να το περιγράψω. I came here and I meshed into this world. Faded away from what I knew, or normally did. Ενώ είμαι tidiness freak, my room here is a mess. And the weird thing is, that I'm actually okay with that. I don't mind existing in messiness.
I bought my first pair of Converse. I read a lot. I walk a lot. I sit on benches and watch people (yes, I do realize how creepy that sounds, but I do it in a non-creepy, non-stalkerish way). I haven't missed my car. I haven't missed my bed (!!) and I actually feel that chaos of a room 'homey'.
Now people... Have I missed people? Like, when you miss people, you wanna talk to them all the time and you cry when you think of them and shit right? At least, that's what 'missing' sounds like in my head. I'm not like that now. I guess I do miss them, but in a different way now. Less dehydrating way. Κάποτε περπατάω στο δρόμο and I think I see someone I know. My best friend, my dad, Taurus, my brother, my uncle (?!). Sometimes I think I see them in the crowd. And even though I do know it's not them, I smile. Because they are on my mind and I love them. And maybe when I think I see them in the crowd, it's when they're thinking about me and missing me -in their own way- too.
Ίσως αυτή να είναι η ζωή που δεν έζησα. 'Η μια ιδέα από την ζωή που δεν έζησα. Θα ήταν καλύτερα? Χειρότερα? I'll never know I guess...Είναι και λίγο ανούσιο να το σκέφτεσαι, exactly because you'll never know. But for the time being, for here and now and everyone I come across, I'm just a little fairy from far far away. And I like that.
After a looong walk and (thinking of) seeing people I know in an anonymous crowd, I decided to buy me some dinner. I walked in a restaurant (I eat alone and I get no weird looks. There is nothing more empowering than eating alone in public and not caring. I love this place!) and was seated at a table. The waiter asked if I was expecting company. I said no.
I had an amazing meal and while I was finishing my Cosmopolitan (some things do not change, ok?), I looked at the empty chair across from me. And I smiled. If I managed to eat alone for over a month and not end up being depressed by it, well, then maybe I think I'm ready to share my dinner with someone.
And maybe it's time to come home.
Σάββατο, 5 Οκτωβρίου 2013
Plug into the present? What the hell is this guy talking about?
He used to say 'Plug into the present because that's where the less possible pressure exists'.
It took me a while to understand what this statement was all about. I think it started to hit me when I was in Paris. I was on the Eiffel Tower but I was anxious to go to the Louvre. When I got to the Louvre, I was excited for like 10 minutes and then I wanted to go to Notre Dame. And when I got there, I was like 'Yeah, ok, I'm hungry'. I'm always living in a future situation.It doesn't matter if it's an hour ahead, or months ahead but for crying out loud woman, just stop and look around you NOW.
That's when it first hit me; that mentally, I exist in a place that hasn't come yet. Mentally, I'm always somewhere in the future. Like being in Cyprus but living on Tokyo time.
Which sucks really because apart from the practicality issues that arise, I miss out on here and now, Or rather, I should say 'missed' because now that I have realized it, I'm trying to exist in the 'here and now' and dream/hope/think about the future, but not spoil my present over it.
So yes, my very intelligent border-lining genius professor was really onto something.
So plugging into the present it is. So much, that I literally stop in the middle of the street and take a look around me. When I get worked up thinking about what I have to do tomorrow, I stop and force myself to look around me. Look at the people. The tree. The car that passes by. Look at something that is happening right now.
In doing so, I feel a lot more relaxed. It's like my mind is not working in overdrive anymore. I'm calmer, I sleep better and I'm saying 'fuck it' like I mean it. It's not easy sometimes; I mean I was programmed all my life to be on high speed and always 5 steps ahead. I still think about the future, make plans and dreams and all, but essentially, I don't want to exist there; I want to exist in here and now. Because this is what I'm given and that future I'm planning and dreaming about is definitely not a given. And no matter what amount of planning and dreaming of it, can guarantee it. So what do you do?
You plug into the present.
Breathe it. Feel it. Taste it. Enjoy it.