I put my face in the water. I love how the sounds get muffled. How all you see is blurry blue. A while later I have to face the world again. I gasp for air and then put my head back in the water. But it's not good enough. I eventually immerse myself completely in the water. Feet, knees, groin, waist, chest, neck and finally my head. I sink as far as I can go; I look up and the world seems so blurry and far far away. It's quiet down here. Wet -that's for sure!- but so quiet. You can't even tell I'm crying.
I feel as if I'm underwater lately. Holding my breath. Κινήσεις νωχελικές. Χωρίς ιδιαίτερη προσπάθεια. Κι απλώς υπάρχεις, επιπλέεις, χωρίς σκοπό ή κατεύθυνση.
I've been to my crying room a lot lately. I'm tired. This sadness seems to emerge from inside of me, oozing out of my pores. Engulfing me. Παλιές πληγές άνοιξαν, νιώθω ότι σταμάτησε ο χρόνος κατά κάποιο τρόπο, ή τουλάχιστον για μένα πάγωσε, έμεινε σε μια ημερομηνία και ό,τι μεσολάβησε από εκείνη τη μέρα μέχρι τώρα είναι... τίποτα. I'm underwater. I'm not sinking. I'm not drowning. I'm simply on hold. Of what, I do not know. I'm lingering and I hate it.
That's how days go by for me lately. They just go by. Τρόμαξα όταν είδα την ημερομηνία σήμερα. Έμεινα κάπου στο Μάιο εγώ. Δεν έχω απαντήσεις σε τίποτα, δεν ξέρω τίποτα, δεν ξέρω κιόλας τι να περιμένω. I can't sleep, and when I do, I wake up in the middle of the night.
I'm underwater.
And then comes today. A day that brought a 'yes'. A day that I got accepted. A dream I had is coming true. And. I. Can't. Feel. It.
It's right there, staring at me with all its glory, I've wanted this, worked hard for it, it validates me and proves I'm worth of something and I can't feel it. Σχεδόν δεν χάρηκα, όχι γιατί δεν το θέλω αλλά γιατί I'm feeling so lousy lately. So sad. Disappointed actually.
I'm underwater. Days go by and I'm underwater.
But this will be the day I got accepted. I'm making bubbles underwater. I'm sure I'll be feeling it once I come out for air.
I don't think I ever believed in the traditional concept of heaven and hell. Mainly because I believe that this world we live in is heaven and hell. "Η κόλαση είναι οι άλλοι" λέει ο Σάρτρ. And I couldn't agree more. So, it all comes down to us, our choices, our ways, our actions to determine whether we end up in heaven or hell.
And at times in limbo, where that's where someone can currently find me.
You know that too-good-to-be-true quality my exes have to say about me? Although it seems to get me into emotional trouble (and heartache) for some reason it translates beautifully with my friends. They feel comfortable to talk to me, confide in me, tell me anything, their deepest, darkest secrets and then ask for my advice.
You know those movies or tv shows, where you see a person in love with someone, but are in a relationship with another person? I thought it was a dramatic gimmick, you know, something to heighten the viewer's excitement before love came rushing in and conquered it all. Bullshit. The world is made up of two types of people: the ones that believe in love and those who don't. Some never did, some others stopped and gave up after some emotional hiccups. The point is, everyone wants someone to love and love them back. But sometimes, getting those two synced is quite the challenge.
Three friends of mine have told me that they are not happy with their person, mainly because it's not za za zoo. But they're not willing to break up because "it's ok". They're not having a bad time. Just an ok one. They'd love to have a great time. But they're settling for ok. They have been in love in the past, you see their eyes sparkling when they describe the emotion they shared with that person, and yet they don't seem eager to have that again. They settle for ok.
I find it weird and disturbing. But I can't help but wonder, are they on to something? Am I juvenile and naive to still believe in the concept? That you find that certain someone that gives you butterflies and live happily ever after? Should you measure the worth of your relationship by how many boxes a person ticks? Even without the butterflies? Is it even possible to have both? Nicely ticked boxes and butterflies? Or is that just a myth and Disney should be sued for false projections of reality?
No wonder I have so much drama; I refuse to settle. No wonder I stay single for so long; I don't do crutch relationships, I don't like being with someone until someone better comes along.
Or do I really have my expectations all screwed up?
But on the other hand, I see happy couples. Not many, that much I can tell you, but there are a few that do seem to have that thing; that sparkle, those butterflies and ticked boxes. Lucky timing? Refusal to compromise? I don't know, but somehow they have been blessed with everything their heart desired.
I don't know who's right or wrong or who has it better. What I do know, is myself. What I want and what I need from my life. How I'd like my life to be. So yeah, there are hiccups, there are tears and heartache. There's doubt and pain and lonely nights. But I do believe in love. I really do. Inspite of my cynicism, I do believe in love. No matter how stupid, naive or outdated it seems to certain people. I really believe in love. And in the power it carries.
So you can tick all the boxes you like, but if it ain't love, I ain't buying it.
Remember that post I wrote a while back, about how I would always be graceful, even when all I wanted to say was "Fuck you"?
Scratch that. I have officially entered a new phase.
Ο Ταύρος τα άκουσε. Και τα 'fuck yous' και τα 'I hate yous' και τα 'what the fuck is wrong with yous'. I screamed, I cried, I yelled and broke anything I had in sight -and arms reach. I only stopped when he started coughing out blood.
And frankly, at some level, it gave me some sort of comfort, that he was in pain too. It's horrible of me, I know. But I lashed out and it was ugly. And it just got uglier.
Καταλήγει αυτός στο νοσοκομείο κι εγώ με τα ηρεμιστικά.
Really, all this hoo ha about love is making me sick.
Έτσι πέρασα μια βδομάδα on autopilot. Όλα γίνονταν εντελώς αυτόματα και by default. Δεν καταλάβαινα τίποτα, δεν με ένοιαζε τίποτα, δεν ένιωθα και τίποτα. Just a huge void. And confusion. I'm still confused actually. Κυρίως για το πώς με έχει γαμήσει τόσο πολύ αυτή η κατάσταση. Οι φίλοι μου με ρωτάνε 'what's wrong' και δεν ξέρω πού να αρχίσω και πού να τελειώσω.
I'm detached. I'm lingering somewhere in emotional limbo. For better or for worse. I'm confused. I just know that my wounds run a lot deeper than what I would even like to admit. And they're open now, and everything is rushing out.
I had to do it; I had to see it with my own eyes. Feel it with my gut. I knew where to find him, and I wanted to see his genuine instant reaction. That's how I would know. Πήρα την κολλητή μου και πήγαμε. I watched him like a hawk. I saw him. Tired. Με μια σκιά στο μάτι. Wandering around. Αλλά όταν με είδε.... oh God that smile. Δεν είχε σημασία πια ούτε το πού, ούτε το πώς, ούτε που είχε τόσο κόσμο. He broke away from his form and smiled. At me. Nodded at me. Looking at me straight in the eye. Smiling. The world just fade away, it didn't matter. We were completely exposed but it didn't matter. He was looking at me. And I was looking at him.
Όταν ήρθε κοντά μου, με πήρε αγκαλιά and I just melted. Melted into him. Έχωσα το πρόσωπο μου στο λαιμό του and he held me. And I thought 'friends don't look at each other like that'.
Walking to the car, η κολλητή μου could not stop saying 'Μάνα μου τον ρε' και πως 'I shouldn't be so hard on him'. Σταμάτησα μες τη μέση του δρόμου, άναψα τσιγάρο, ρούφηξα μια τζούρα and I said to her 'Νιώθω ότι he's the one. And it's fucking me up'.
Saying it out loud, τόσο αβιάστα. Χωρίς να σκέφτομαι αν ακούγομαι ηλίθια ή παράλογη. I said it and everything made sense.
For now I'm in repair mode; I'm not together, but I'm getting there. I think.
Έβαλα ζακέτα, γιατί νιώθω πως κρυώνω. Δεν είναι από την ανοιχτή μπαλκονόπορτα, it's coming from inside of me.
When did things get so complicated? When did it all become so confusing? When did I become cold again?
I can't see through the tears. And I have a mind-splitting headache from too much thinking? From crying? Does it even matter why I have a god damn headache? Fact is, I have it.
Ήταν εδώ and I felt nothing. No, I actually felt helpless. Helpless, that's it. It was the only thing I felt. Helpless. Shit hit the fan. Το γάλα χύθηκε. Damage is done. So I'm feeling helpless because I cannot undo all this. I cannot fix this.
Με άγγιξε and I felt nothing. Δεν υπάρχει κάτι όρθιο μέσα μου, κάτι λειτουργήσιμο, αυτήν την στιγμή για να νιώσω κάτι. Ι only feel helpless. I don't dare say hopeless; I'm hoping that this won't be another sleepless night, I'm hoping this will be over soon, I hope I'll be feeling like myself again soon. So for now, I'm just helpless.
Helpless against the facts. Helpless against my feelings. Just helpless.
So unhold me, please. That space in my heart? Give it back, please. Those feelings? Undo them. Please. I can't find any comfort here right now.
You said I shine. You've said that for years. That I shine. That I'm made that way. Look at me now. Tarnished. And definitely not shiny.
