Σάββατο, 19 Οκτωβρίου 2013
Here and Now
Then they asked me if I missed them.
I haven't missed anyone.
Don't get me wrong: σκέφτομαι πολύ τους ανθρώπους μου (my parents included) αλλά δεν μου έχει λείψει κανένας. Ή τίποτα. Ή τουλάχιστον, όπως μου έλειπαν πράγματα, καταστάσεις και άτομα last time I packed up and left.
Ο πατέρας μου, μου είπε ότι είναι σημάδι 'of maturity'.
Ή σημάδι της απόλυτης αποκτήνωσης, I suggested. Επειδή, λείπω κάτι παραπάνω από ένα μήνα και η ζωή μου στην Κύπρο μου φαίνεται τόσο μακρινή... τόσο ξένη σχεδόν. Λες και είναι κάτι που είδα σε μια ταινία ή μια ιστορία που άκουσα από κάποιον. It's so weird. Δεν ξέρω πως ακριβώς να το περιγράψω. I came here and I meshed into this world. Faded away from what I knew, or normally did. Ενώ είμαι tidiness freak, my room here is a mess. And the weird thing is, that I'm actually okay with that. I don't mind existing in messiness.
I bought my first pair of Converse. I read a lot. I walk a lot. I sit on benches and watch people (yes, I do realize how creepy that sounds, but I do it in a non-creepy, non-stalkerish way). I haven't missed my car. I haven't missed my bed (!!) and I actually feel that chaos of a room 'homey'.
Now people... Have I missed people? Like, when you miss people, you wanna talk to them all the time and you cry when you think of them and shit right? At least, that's what 'missing' sounds like in my head. I'm not like that now. I guess I do miss them, but in a different way now. Less dehydrating way. Κάποτε περπατάω στο δρόμο and I think I see someone I know. My best friend, my dad, Taurus, my brother, my uncle (?!). Sometimes I think I see them in the crowd. And even though I do know it's not them, I smile. Because they are on my mind and I love them. And maybe when I think I see them in the crowd, it's when they're thinking about me and missing me -in their own way- too.
Ίσως αυτή να είναι η ζωή που δεν έζησα. 'Η μια ιδέα από την ζωή που δεν έζησα. Θα ήταν καλύτερα? Χειρότερα? I'll never know I guess...Είναι και λίγο ανούσιο να το σκέφτεσαι, exactly because you'll never know. But for the time being, for here and now and everyone I come across, I'm just a little fairy from far far away. And I like that.
After a looong walk and (thinking of) seeing people I know in an anonymous crowd, I decided to buy me some dinner. I walked in a restaurant (I eat alone and I get no weird looks. There is nothing more empowering than eating alone in public and not caring. I love this place!) and was seated at a table. The waiter asked if I was expecting company. I said no.
I had an amazing meal and while I was finishing my Cosmopolitan (some things do not change, ok?), I looked at the empty chair across from me. And I smiled. If I managed to eat alone for over a month and not end up being depressed by it, well, then maybe I think I'm ready to share my dinner with someone.
And maybe it's time to come home.