If a writer falls in love with you, you can never die.

Κυριακή, 16 Φεβρουαρίου 2014

I'm Ugly

Fuck what I look on the outside. Αυτό, with a little help, κάτι μπορείς να κάνεις να το βελτιώσεις.

I'm ugly. On the inside. I'm horrible. Like something out of a horror movie. A thing. An ugly thing.

If you cut me open θα δεις σκουλίκια, στάχτη, spider webs. Βρωμιά. Ένα χάλι. Την απόλυτη ασχήμια που ούτε θες να δεις, πόσο μάλλον να αγγίξεις.

I'm ugly. And when you're ugly on the inside, δεν μπορείς καν να κλείσεις τα μάτια για να την αποφύγεις. It's there; you can't get away from it.

If I hear someone bashing you, I'll bite their head off. Eat their heart out with my bare teeth.

And yet, there are times, that I think the worst of you. Especially when my heart is breaking. I'd take a bullet for you, and yet there are times, I'd fire the fucking gun and plant a bullet in your head.

I'm ugly.

It's all inside. You can't see it. That's why it's dangerous; you have no idea how ugly I really am.

So ugly, that this lyric 'I wanna break your heart and give you mine' could easily describe me lately.

So ugly, I can barely look anymore.

I left a white rose outside your door. No card. No nothing that could say 'tinkerbell'. And yet, you knew. You knew it was me.

And I just... I was horrible to you. An sms shitting all over it because I'm ugly on the inside now.

It's one of those situations that, no matter what you do or say, is wrong because I'm so broken right now.

And I'm horrible because you're sick and I felt relief. Not because you are having a rough time, but because you are not having a good one. How can I claim to love you, when I feel this twisted about you? How can I love you, when I'd be bitter if you were happy?

I know.. It's the lust/passion bit that's getting the better of me.  Αλλά ναι, σε θέλω ακόμα. Σε θέλω. Τόσο που δεν μπορώ να το πω, παρά να το ψιθυρίσω. Τόσο πολύ.

Yes, I'm ugly. It's terrifying. Κοιμάμαι, ξυπνάω, and you're there. Everything in between is just... self preservation. The bed felt warm again this morning. And you weren't there.

And there are times it gets out of hand; I get out of hand. Και ηρεμώ όταν ακούω τη φωνή σου. Τον τρόπο που μου μιλάς. Λες και γαληνεύει η ψυχή μου. Αυτό το θηρίο, και παίρνω ανάσα. Until next time.

I'm scared. Για το πως έχω γίνει έτσι.

And I don't know what to do.


13 σχόλια:

  1. And yet, there are times, that I think the worst of you. Especially when my heart is breaking. I'd take a bullet for you, and yet there are times, I'd fire the fucking gun and plant a bullet in your head.
    Ah, that's me.
    Stop talking. IT's gonna be harsh, but I realize it's the only way.
    You're not ugly. You're human. THAT ordinary. It's gonna be fine.
    Take care.

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    1. Human.. How do we always use this word, to explain our most dreadful impulses? Instincts...just like any other wild animal. This is not human

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  2. Έτσι νιώθουμε όταν μας πληγώνουν νομίζω... Όταν πληγώνεσαι από αυτόν που αγαπάς, τα συναισθήματα εν μπερδεμένα και ακραία.
    Θέλει χρόνο και τρόπο για να γιατρευτείς μέσα-έξω... Και θα γίνει κι αυτό κάποια στιγμή...
    Εγώ γιατρεύτηκα όταν έφτασα πάτο, όταν αποφάσισα ότι δεν αξίζει να καταστρέφομαι για κάποιον συγκεκριμένο που δεν με ήθελε όπως τον ήθελα εγώ

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    1. είσαι δυνατή και συνειδητοποιημένη... θα σηκωθείς όταν το αποφασίσεις εσύ, i believe in you :)

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  3. It's being human. Αν κάποιος περάσει κάτι έτσι, νομίζω έχει το δικαίωμα να νιώσει έτσι. Αν ήταν ασχήμια δεν θα υπερασπιζόσουν.

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    1. Human. Νομίζω το κάλυψα το θέμα σε σχόλιο παραπάνω.

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  4. You are not ugly. You are hurt.
    Hug your pain.
    It will soften and you will get stronger.
    Don't be afraid... όπως βλέπεις we've all been there, one way or another
    and we are still here :))

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    1. I know.. I completely understand that what Im going through is nothing unusual or uncommon. But it hurts like a motherf*cker

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  5. It's not called ugliness rather than...humanity. Ur human. U feel, u long, u lust, u still love. Ur all too human. U may feel like the Portrait of Dorian Grey, but ur far from that painting. Trust me.

    Let me give u some lyrics that I think suit what ur feeling:

    "
    I wanna hide the truth
    I wanna shelter you
    But with the beast inside
    There’s nowhere we can hide

    No matter what we breed
    We still are made of greed
    This is my kingdom come
    This is my kingdom come

    When you feel my heat
    Look into my eyes
    It’s where my demons hide
    It’s where my demons hide
    Don’t get too close
    It’s dark inside
    It’s where my demons hide
    It’s where my demons hide"

    Just.Breathe.

    Ur beautiful, in every single way. And like ruth said, ur not ugly, ur hurt.
    Distinguish. And don't forget to love...YOU!!!

    Sending u warmest hugs and kisses xoxo

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