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Σάββατο, 20 Απριλίου 2013

V(o)ices

Hearing too many opinions can drive you insane, that much I know.

Everyone has one. Or more than one. And they really believe what they say, and they are sticking to their guns, hands down.

Some happen to agree with you. Some others, don't.

The tricky part is, where do you draw the line? You see, I deal with my shit alone. If I have a problem, I'll lay low and  keep to myself until I fix it. But not this time. This time I decided to be open about it, speak about what's on my mind, see if I get to solution X faster.

Baaaaad idea.

Especially when you haven't come to a conclusion yourself. So apart from feeling vulnerable and insecure, you can add 'utterly confused' to your list as well.

You know in some movies, where you have two little yous on each shoulder? The good one and the bad one? Each, whispering in your ear their point of view -which by the way makes complete sense at the time- until you hear the other opinion. Well, I'm going through that.

Add a couple of your friends on those shoulders now. Too many voices. Too much noise. One head.

Too many glasses of wine later, I still haven't reached a conclusion. Just cloudiness. But it actually feels comforting. The numbness. The inability to think straight. I feel emotionally exhausted somewhere deep inside of me but I'm too intoxicated to register it.

When in doubt, they say 'sleep on it'. I woke up to a throbbing head, incubating voices, opinions and suggestions. Why can't hangovers be on mute?!

So after my third strong coffee, I decided: All voices, OUT. Get the hell out of my head. All of you. Shut up. And get the hell OUT!

I might haven't decided on what to do with what's troubling me, but at least I decided on how to get there: I really don't care what people think. Simply because, people are not me. I'm the one dealing with this and I'm the one to live with the consequences. Therefore, either they understand or not, agree or not, support me or not, it doesn't really matter. It's not up to them.

So I pushed all voices out. Trying to do the same with my vices, which is a tad more challenging. I don't even listen to my voice. That voice of reason, logic, one-plus-one-equals-two sort of voice. I need to shut my eyes, close my ears and listen, no, feel. I need to feel me.

Or if I really have to listen to something, then that will be my heart.   

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