Τετάρτη, 24 Σεπτεμβρίου 2014
But then again, they also say, timing is everything.
Have you ever noticed that, for one deep meaningful saying, there is another one that says the exact opposite thing in the same deep meaningful way?
I've been thinking about time and timing lately. Timing mainly, and how things works out at their own accord, without even realizing how the transition occurred.
Yes, I think I'm having a -rare- glimpse of clarity and I can write something down without being too depressed or depressing. So, timing.
I hate timing. Because I'm one of those right-now kind of people. Now now now. I want answers now. I want to know now. I want to do this now.
God, it's exhausting.
So here I am, waiting for things, but I'm exactly sure of what. Waiting for the pain to completely desert με. Waiting for this disappointment to let go of me. Waiting to start believing in me, in life, in people, in love, in magic. Waiting for this at work. Waiting for that other opportunity.
Waiting for that damn day when I'll look back on this night, this month, this past year and say 'Girl, you worried over nothing'.
Some things happened. And of course it came at the worse timing possible (they design it that way right?). But then again, other things happened and it was just the perfect timing as I was on the edge of shooting myself (figure of speech, don't get excited, I don't even own a gun).
And here I am, on this idle Wednesday night, smoking and drinking in my apartment. Wondering. Doubting. Waiting.
I wake up in the middle of the night every single night lately. I feel exhausted somewhere inside my head. I have long days, I'm on auto pilot, I'm out there and trying. But I've never felt so numb and empty in my entire life. It's like an ongoing situation; it's not the side effect of something that happened. It's like, this is what's left of me. And I'm waiting, taking deep breath after deep breath and waiting to start feeling like myself again. Not just for an hour, an evening or a day. But for everyday.
I feel drained. Tired. Of people. Of stuff. Of dare I say everything? I'm not even sure what makes me happy anymore. I think I've lost faith.
So I'm lingering.
Until the time is right again.