Δευτέρα, 28 Σεπτεμβρίου 2015
Oh Misty Eyes
What has it been?
This past couple of months.?
In a word?
It really helped me, you know, going home, leaving here, and everyone that here consists of.
I found me, my heart, my soul, my fucking breath there; home, my place, where the soil smells familiar and social decency and manners come with the territory.
It's like I picked up myself and put me back together. As if my spirit was left there; sitting on the sidewalk and I had to go and get me back.
I came back a different person.
Or rather, the person I used to be.
I decided I'm gonna make that childhood dream of mine come true. I don't know how; I just know I'm gonna do it. I have to do it. The only reason I haven't done it so far is because somewhere along the line, I stopped believing that I was capable enough.
But something happened; something clicked, maybe I just lost my mind and I decided I'm insane enough now to just go out there and do it.
I've thought and worked a lot on forgiveness. Him. I removed bits and bits, millions of pieces of him that were scattered in my mind, my soul, my cunt, my eyes, my brain, my heart, my arms, tiny pieces of him everywhere on me, in me. And instead of wanting to lash out at him and tear him to pieces, to match my pieces, what he left of me, I think I'm growing in a more healthy and compassionate manner and I actually feel that I might be ready to look him in the eye and say 'I forgive you' and actually mean it.
I said the "no's" I had to without regret, or even worrying about the aftermath; I can no longer live in fear, trying to not upset anyone, but constantly upsetting myself. I was respectful and truthful, and if anyone cannot respect my honesty, well, they can eat shit.
And I won't be losing anymore sleep.
And we've been dealing with something as a family, were mortality looks you in the eye and you cannot but look it right back, it's right there in your face, And you realize, damn, damn it, we are human and things are bound to happen, if not sooner, then later, but damn, it's so hard when you least expect it. And through this, I have realized that I am not ready, I do not know how to cope with loss, I am afraid and I need to get my shit together and be stronger.
Tinks, we're not in Kansas anymore.
So yeah.. It's been...
These past few months?
But cleansing. Mainly.