Treadmill

Life feels like running on a treadmill sometimes, doesn't it?

You're running, trying to keep up, not lose your step or your pace, you know you can't stop cause you're gonna trip and hurt yourself.

So you keep on running.

Usually, we run in order to get somewhere. Remove ourselves from our current place to get to another.

But on the treadmill, it feels like you end up nowhere. You are right where you first started off.

So why run? Why bother, you ask.

I don't know. This coming from a person who used to love to get away, run away, get away from it all. And man has this year given me reasons and opportunities to do so.

And yet somehow, I stayed.

And it got me thinking, why run on a treadmill? What happens to us when we constantly run on life's treadmill? That, in spite of all the effort, the running, the trying, you still end up right where you took off, so why bother?

For the strength. For the process. For proving yourself. For those moments you felt you were about to give up and you decided to fight that urge and try to keep up. And managed to do so.

So even if you still end up right where you started, you have gained things you wouldn't have otherwise.

And you've proven it to yourself.

Yes, it kinda felt like a treadmill this year. I let out a big sigh (of relief? despair? exhaustion?) and I feel I'm standing right where I was exactly a year ago, but I'm standing differently. Prouder. Stronger. Emotionally sober. And maybe even more hopeful this time round.

I've dealt with so many fears this year, it baffles me. I barely recognize myself. And never, not even for a moment this time round, did I even consider running away. I was all "bring it on" and see what happens.

I let people go. I let things go. I let myself go. I let my guard down. I showed I'm vulnerable. I showed I can be tough. I showed that I'm loving. I said things out loud without fearing the consequences. I was prepared to finally deal with that fear too.

At the end of the day, all we have is ourselves. And we need to take care of us.

So when you get off that treadmill, all short-breathed and sweaty, you might still be in the same spot, but, you;re different and you now know that you can do it.