If a writer falls in love with you, you can never die.

Δευτέρα, 16 Δεκεμβρίου 2013

Kiss And Makeup

Ένα μεγάλο theme των ημερών είναι το forgiving. It's on my mind a lot. Αλλά δεν το'χω. Not yet at least. Κυρίως γιατί όταν το σκέφτομαι, νευριάζω, τσιτώνω, κλαίω, με πιάνει το παράπονο.

I haven't forgiven him. Αυτό διαπιστώνω από την αντίδραση μου και τα συναισθήματα που νιώθω. Και ξέρω ότι για να βρω το (fucking) peace of mind μου, I have to forgive him. But I'm still too angry. Dare I say I'm still hurt.

I don't need anyone to talk logic into me; I completely and rationally comprehend everything. Δεν αξίζει κάποιος άμα σου κάνει έτσι. Δεν ένιωθε πραγματικά για να συμπεριφερθεί έτσι. Ι understand that. Emotionally όμως, δεν καταλαβαίνω Χριστό. Emotionally, δεν θα πω ότι I'm a mess, I'm just... lost. Rationally, this will make another great story to tell about my great journey in life. Another wisdom story learnt. Emotionally όμως it left a huge void in my already beaten inner psyche. Making me question whether I have it in me. This thing about being lovable.

And forgiving isn't really about the other person; it's about you. Whether I forgive or not, will have absolutely no effect on him, it makes no difference to him, he doesn't even know and it doesn't even matter, does it? It's about me; and I know I need to make peace with this ...thing that happened and I can't figure it out. I don't wish him bad, αντιθέτως λέω να μην το δει ποτέ του, αλλά γαμώτο why am I so beaten still by this fact?

I don't want him back, I don't even miss him. And yet, he's all over the place because of this. He's out of the picture, and yet the picture I'm left with, is the one he drew. And I don't like it. But it's there. And I have to deal with it. And I don't know how.

How do you forgive? And how do you know when you have forgiven? Is it when the pain eases? When the mere fact of it, does not bring tears to your eyes? Does not bother you?

I keep busy, έπεσα με τα μούτρα στη δουλειά, I go out with my friends and have an awesome time. But out of nowhere, μόλις σταματήσουν όλα και κλείσουν τα φώτα it creeps up on me. It's there. It's raw and ugly. This feeling. And I don't know how to get rid of it.

4 σχόλια:

  1. That's what usually happens. When the lights go dim, and we're left alone in the silence, the darkness comes. The inner kind.

    I'm going through something, sort of, similar, with a "him". I think, you know, the biggest issue is forgiving yourself more than it is to forgive him, and the reason we can't it's because of that great anger and that wound that calls to you, deep in the night.

    I guess, I hope, in time the anger subsides, the void somehow gets filled (η πικρία καμιά φορά σου μένει) but above all what we should aim is not to forgive them, but forgive US more!

    Stay strong my sweet fairy! xxxx <3

    1. But it is exactly that bitterness that implies that forgiveness has not taken place, and that's exactly what I want to be rid of. I'm not one to hold a grudge or be bitter. I close doors hard and for good

  2. "Making me question whether I have it in me. This thing about being lovable."
    Don't even go there. No dark cookies είπαμε :P