Invincible

There's just something about airport bars that make you... real. Ironically, they ground you. They bring out all your vulnerabilities, your honesty. Maybe it's because you realize how big this world actually is, how many things are happening now as we speak, how many people are traveling miles and miles away from home.

Home.

You call home.

Or what you feel is home.

So there you are somewhere on this planet, at a airport bar drinking and calling me. And here I am, miles and miles away, pouring myself a drink and joining you over the phone line, just for a little while, before you catch your flight.

You tell me where it hurts.

I tell you where it hurts.

You laugh.

I laugh.

You tell me you love me.

I say I love you too.

And while in different continents and time zones, we arrange a rain-check sometime somewhere far far away, like that other time we did just that and it was awesome.

You and me, a hotel bar, a couple of drinks, and all the truths we're afraid to admit to the rest of the world that sees us and thinks we are invincible.

Hey.

Hey.

How's it going?

What's up?

I've been away. So close but away. In a good way. I remembered the way I used to be, but in a much more mature and grounded way. I laughed -can you believe it?- I heard myself laugh spontaneously, loudly and most importantly, happily.

I barely recognized myself but yeah, it was me. And it felt good.

I opened my mouth and words came out, words I wouldn't normally say or put together and I fought for certain things and guess what; noone died, noone hated me and I actually felt justified.

I smiled. And hugged. And waved. And it was nice. Oh so nice. People were happy to see me. I was happy to see people. I also saw people that were rude and had a stick up their ass and I still managed to be polite and not dragged into their shit, which was awesome.

We drank. And went out. And you looked at me and said you haven't seen me sparkle in a while. I daydreamed. I made plans. I wanna be. I wanna do. I wanna feel.

You whispered things in my ear and I smiled.

I haven't been giving myself enough credit. I've put me down. The rest just followed. Or maybe I just surrounded myself with assholes. So I had to break down to start over.

But most importantly, I think I've found my center. My balance. Got rid of the ugly bits. The hurting bits. Or at least, I started focusing on the good bits.

So yeah. That's me.

Feels like I've been dancing in the rain.

How you doin'?

Just Asking

Να με κρατάς αγκαλιά. Όλη νύχτα. Να νιώθω τα χέρια σου πάνω μου. Την καρδιά σου να χτυπά και την ανάσα σου στα μαλλιά μου.

Μπορείς?

Να παίρνεις το κεφάλι μου στα δυο σου χέρια, να με κοιτάς στα μάτια και να σκύβεις να με φιλήσεις. Να κλείνεις τα μάτια ενώ με φιλάς, κλείνεις απέξω τον κόσμο και για εκείνα τα δευτερόλεπτα είμαι μόνο εγώ κι εσύ, με ενωμένες τις ανάσες.

Μπορείς?

Όπως μιλάμε στο άσχετο και είμαστε σε κόσμο, με παρέα, να μου χαιδεύεις τα μαλλιά, τα βάζεις πίσω από το αυτί μου, να με παίρνεις αγκαλιά και να με φιλάς στο μέτωπο, μπορείς?

Να παίρνεις τις βαριές τσάντες ενώ σου λέω ότι είναι οκ και μπορώ, μπορείς?

Να μου χαιδεύεις το πόδι, το χέρι, εμένα, έτσι στο άσχετο, μπορείς?

Να με κοιτάς στα μάτια, τόσο που να νιώθω ότι κοκκινίζω και κοιτάω αλλού μπορείς?

Όταν ξυπνάς, και με παίρνεις τηλέφωνο, με λες 'μωρό μου' με εκείνη την βραχνάδα του πριωνού.

Μπορείς?

Just asking..

There Are No Voices In The Dark

Δε θυμάμαι αν το είχα γράψει, αλλά a few months ago, μου είχε κάνει ερωτική εξομολόγηση ένας τύπος. Και ήρθα σπίτι κι έκατσα στην βεράντα μου κι έκλαιγα. Don't ask why, έτσι μου βγήκε.

Τις προάλλες συνέβη ένα παρόμοιο περιστατικό: και η εξομολόγηση και το crying. Απλώς αυτή τη φορά έγινε στην κουζίνα μου -the crying- κι όχι στο μπαλκόνι.

Μετά από αρκετά βράδια, χτες ξύπνησα μέσα στη νύχτα, μετά από ένα πολύ disturbing όνειρο. And I just lay there, δεν έβλεπα τίποτα, δεν άκουγα τίποτα, δεν ένιωθα τίποτα. Θα μπορούσα να είμαι στην εκμηδένιση του χρόνου και του κόσμου and you wouldn't know the difference. There was nothing.

I don't think I know how to love anymore. I don't know how to love, how to accept love, how this shit even works. I'm not even sure I can feel love, that kind of love. Γι'αυτό μου έκανε εντύπωση last week που μετά από μήνες, στιγμιαία έστω, ένιωσα αυτό το κάτι. I almost forgot what it's like. But the thing is, even if it came and slapped me across the face, I don't think I know how to recognize it or handle it anymore. And although I believe in love, all consuming blah blah blah love, I don't think it's there for me. I used to believe, but not anymore. Κι αυτό είναι το saddest part αν με ρωτάς.

And I'm scared.

Έχω αλλάξει, χωρίς να είναι απαραίτητα κακό, αλλά μου είναι τόσο άγνωστο το τοπίο που δεν ξέρω πού πατάω. Πού πάω. Ή πώς να το χειριστώ. Όχι πως κάνω και τίποτα, I just take it as it comes. I've sunk myself into work; keeps me from thinking too much. But yeah, when I think about it... I don't wanna think about it.

Κι αναρωτιέμαι καμιά φορά if this is just a big (very big) bad dream κι αν μια μέρα θα είναι απλώς μια ανάμνηση. Συναισθηματικά είμαι ράκος. Numb. Και ίσως είναι μαλακία μου και αλαζονεία μου να το θεωρώ θέμα, αλλά damn it νιώθω ακρωτηριασμένη κάποτε. Non- functional. Because I'm young and I haven't felt older or heavier in my life.

Still Have It In Me

Συνέβη κάτι περίεργο τις προάλλες. I felt I wanted to be in love.

Ναι, ότι μου έλειψε αυτό το γούτσου-γούτσου χωρίς να υπάρχει λόγος ή άνθρωπος που να μου ξύπνησε αυτήν την ανάγκη. Κι ενώ δεν κράτησε πολύ, μου έκανε εντύπωση γιατί πρώτον, as my best friend says, I'm dead inside και δεύτερον, γιατί anything love-related makes me cry.

So there I was, all of a sudden, out of the blue, longing for that feeling. Ότι μου έλειψε. Και απολογούμαι προς τις φεμινίστριες αλλά γαμώτο, μόνο όταν είμαι in love νιώθω 100% θηλυκό.

So yeah, I missed having someone hug me from behind την ώρα που φτιάχνω καφέ. Ή να μου λέει καλημέρα με την γλυκειά βραχνάδα του πρωινού στη φωνή. Ή να βρίσκω με το πόδι μου το πόδι του άλλου στο κρεβάτι, πριν το τυλίξει γύρω μου και με πάρει αγκαλιά.

Και ναι γαμώτο πεθύμησα κάποιος to kiss me senseless until my lips are sore.

It was lovely for as long as it lasted.

That feeling I mean.

Δεν κράτησε πολύ, αλλά ναι, μετά από πολύ καιρό, ένιωσα επιτέλους αυτό το πράγμα, που μάλλον σημαίνει ότι I'm not 100% dead inside.

Έτυχε να δείτε τον εαυτό σας μέσα από τα μάτια κάποιου άλλου? Ή την ανάμνηση του εαυτού σας? Μετά από κάποια χρόνια βρέθηκα με ένα άτομο που με ήξερε από πολύ παλιά. Και μου μίλησε για το passion μου, τον δυναμισμό μου, τον ερωτισμό μου, κυρίως το passion που έχω (είχα?) με ό,τι καταπιανόμουν. I remember myself that way... I just don't know if I can relate to that anymore. Maybe? Do I still have it in me? Am I finally waking up? Or am I gone? That me, that version of me.

And I know it's cheesy, but this is the best I can come up with right now.

Hanging On In There

Yeah, I get the feeling that this is probably happening quite often.

I'm.... hanging on in there.

I had some bad days lately, but I'm a lot calmer today. I think I used up all my feelings for this week -if there can be such a thing, running out of feelings for a week, like there's some kind of limit? I don't know, it just feels that way. I guess I'm just tired.

I'm under a lot of stress, I'm borderlining panic actually. I couldn't sleep, my heart was racing and there was an unending sensation that I couldn't breathe.

This stress- shit can kill you, now I understand.

So there I am, all messed up and panicking, so I go to church and light a candle asking for guidance, strength and help. And as I'm leaving, I can't stop thinking about a particular person, how much I'd like to speak to that person because they always make me feel better and understand me. And I'm thinking about this person as I'm backing out of the parking lot and trying to get into the road and guess what; I see that particular person driving by. I swear, I was like 'Damn, You heard me!'.

Και μιλάμε στο τηλέφωνο and all this stress and relief is rushing out of me, right through my eyes, I'm pouring my heart out and it feels better after a while. Πιο ξαλαφρωμένη. Τίποτα δεν άλλαξε, αλλά τουλάχιστον ένιωσα μια μικρή ανακούφιση.

So today I'm calmer. Touch wood, I hope I keep it up. *sigh*

I'm hanging on in there.

That's all I can do right now.

We Sat There

Έβαλα ποτό.

Ανάψαμε τσιγάρο.

Ξάπλωσες στον καναπέ, έκλεισες τα μάτια.

Κι εγώ δίπλα σου, κοιτούσα το ταβάνι, μέχρι που τα έκλεισα κι εγώ.

And for a moment there, μας πήρε ο ύπνος at 5 in the morning.