If a writer falls in love with you, you can never die.

Τρίτη, 11 Νοεμβρίου 2014

Two Cigarettes

I have this associate at work whom I see every once in a while.

Hadn't seen him in a while actually. 6 months maybe.

And I saw him today.

So he's like, let me fill you in with this and that for work, hey let's do it over a cigarette, what the hell.

So we go to the little room of sin (a.k.a. the smokers' room) and we're chatting along for work, figuring this and that out.

Then he asks me about something, something that is very dear and important to me, how's it going etctetera etctetera. And it hits me then and there, that everytime he sees me, he asks me about it. He has nothing to do with it, it has nothing to do with our work and yet, he always remembers and has the courtesy to ask me about it because he knows I'm into it.

Inevitably, comparisons are automatically made with lets-not-even-go-there (yes, it's a person). And yet this guy, he barely knows me, and yet he seems to know what's important to me, and most importantly, shows some sort of interest.

Then we get talking about other stuff, food and music and it's a really cool and easygoing conversation with a flow, you know? This person barely knows me, he's never been to my house, he's never kissed me or slept with me, and yet with that itty bitty comment and that awesome conversation where you just understand and are understood, he made lets-not-even-go-there look so small.

So we're chatting away and his phone rings. He pauses for a second, pushes the silence button and returns to our conversation. And it just goes on like that. And we light up another cigarette. And during that cigarette he tells me what he's been up to the last 6 months, shows me pictures and videos from here and there and I feel that I know this person more than I know him, even though I've known him for years. I felt that this stranger essentially, let me into his mind and life, over that God damn cigarette a lot more that him, with whom I have shared so much.

Isn't it ironic?

Or sad?

So by the time I leave the smokers room to resume my work, I have a huge smile on my face because after a long looooong time, I had a decent, easygoing conversation with a person. Who also seemed to genuinely enjoy talking to me too, without being simply polite or typical.

And driving around earlier tonight, I had all these thoughts... I haven't forgiven him 100% yet. I haven't forgiven him for letting me down, for being so... For not being who I thought he was. For not letting me in. And on that note, I haven't forgiven myself either 100% for projecting all those expectations on him. For not doing this or that. For several things. So yeah, I guess I'm still struggling with the bitterness that left me with.

Maybe one day I'll be completely over it. Him. It's taking me a while I know. It just went too deep this time I guess.

And maybe one day, songs won't remind me of him, or those feelings, or... yeah.

Not even this one.

4 σχόλια:

  1. you ll forget one day, and forgive, when someone new will make him seem so random and unfortunate!
    songs will remind you of him, you feel anger or pain though, u ll feel silly, that one time you thought you were damaged, that one guy that made u feel sad, how silly

  2. It gets better when you forgive yourself and him. You nerver forget. He will cross your mind from time to time but not so often and at one point it won't hurt anymore.I like your music by the way.:)